Last Updated on March 20, 2018

Remember the notes when you were a child?

Will you be my friend? Circle one: Yes or No

Ah, if only it were that simple now.

As a wife and mother, the majority of my energy and focus is on my family. My focus is there because I want it to be there. This is not a complaint; it is simply reality. Sure, there are times when I’d like to call a friend, go sit, have a cup of tea, and talk for an hour. But then I decide it would just be easier to finish the laundry, take a quick bath, and go to bed so I can be ready for tomorrow’s to-do list. It seems there is nothing left of me for developing friendships.

If you’ve been blessed to spend most of your adult life in one community, you have probably managed to form close enough friendships that maybe that phone call is easy for you to make, and you do step away from the busyness of home to spend time with friends.

In my case, when I was new to the community I live in, the long-standing relationships just were not there yet. Yeah, I have great relationships with friends where I used to live, but I longed for them in my new community. Thus my desire to send the “will you be my friend” note.

How does a grown woman make new friends?

Intentionally, that’s how! I recognized that I needed to make the effort to reach out and have a regularly scheduled time of togetherness … because togetherness breeds friendship. I have a few gals I formed a book club with, and we meet once a month for a meal and discussion of the book we read. I have someone to mentor who I meet with regularly, a friend who I lunch with every few weeks, and an accountability partner I meet with once every week. These relationships are blossoming because we make regular time for each other. Recently God placed another great gal in my path, and there’s a new friendship budding that we each are working to nurture!

Since I put some intentionality behind my desire of forming close relationships, it is finally happening. Sure, it takes time, but time is what God expects us to share with others as we form community and true fellowship.

Right now, I’m still in the shallow waters of these growing friendships, but by the time we get into the deep pools, I’ll have the right to make those last-minute phone calls.

What do you do to form friendships with other women in your community?

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  1. This has definitely been an area of struggle for me. When we moved here, it was "for a short time," so I was reluctantly to be intentional about building relationships with people here, only to have to leave them behind. So I am pretty much "friendless" three years later. Sure, I have acquaintances, and people I can call to watch my kids occasionally, but I don't have anybody I've truly built a friendship with.

    Now that we've decided to stay a bit longer (we're building a house and closing on it in 5 weeks), I want to start being more intentional about building friendships. I need to trust God and be vulnerable with other women, allowing the true me to come out and bound with the true them.

    Thanks for sharing this!

  2. We moved to a new (to me) community about 20 years ago. I was SO lonely! Even the church we attended seemed so clique-ish; there didn't seem to be a place for me there. A grandmother in our church started a preschool playgroup. On the surface it was to get the kids together but we quickly realized her goal was to create a way for stay-at-home moms to have some socialization. Over time, and with the advent of our kids starting to school, I made friends. One of those women is now the most dear friend ever and there are a few others I count as sisters. There is no magic answer to making friends. Get out of the house – start a play group at church – join a women's fitness center – volunteer at the library. God has a friend waiting to meet you!

  3. Hey Ashley I think you can see from Jane's comments that it is definately worth the effort to reach out to other women because making the time to do so will give you long lasting and meaningful friendships…you just have to make it through that awkward beginning! You can do it – make that first move, there are other women out there who are longing for friendships too! Big Hug! T

  4. I just find it tiring when I try and try to initiate things and it may work out to getogether but then after there is no more get togethers unless I initiate again. I get tired and discouraged from initiating. I get tired of trying to fit into already formed groups. I just keep reminding myself that God loves me and somehow somewhere it may get better or I will continue lonely.

    1. Hey Karen – I understand… it's like your words are coming right out of my mouth! I have always seemed to be the initiator and at some point I just realized that's part of how God made me and I just needed to keep at it. Also – sometimes people just don't "click" and that's ok. When you do get together with others pray and ask God to reveal who is seeking relationship, has commonalities with you and look for subtle hints. You are wise to turn to God for His acceptance and love. But you are not alone in your frustration! I will join with you in prayer that God will fill the gaps until he helps you find true "sista friend" relationships with other lonely moms! You might try starting a small book club – there are only 4 of us and just knowing once a month, on my calendar I have that time together to look forward to and we have shared deeply and richly and though we do not get together frequently we have formed rich relationships because of our monthly conversations! Oh and one final hint…always be on the look out for new people moving to your community – they will be doubly blessed by your outreached hand of friendship! Big Hug!

  5. Marshelle says:

    Wow. I’ve been touched by many of the articles this week. I don’t have many friends either. There are a few that my boys played baseball with for a few years (I was the team mom, my hubby was the coach). Those positions instantly put you in the role of approaching people, and we made lasting friendships from those times, but not really DEEP friendships. Last year about this time, some families we played ball with for 5 and 6 seasons stabbed us in the back and put a great big hole in our hearts and a huge defensive wall up, too. Others, we’re no longer playing with but separated on friendly terms. Seems it’s easy to just contact with them, too. And I just don’t take the time except on Facebook and via email where there are a lot of “we’ve got to get together for a girl’s night out,” “let’s go out for dinner and girly moved,” etc, etc. But it never happened. Too much effort, I suppose, and that’s sad. Just find myself turning back and saying that’s okay, my house is a mess and I need to spend more time with my kids anyway. Glad to know I’m not alone.

  6. Shonda Knowlton says:

    I have a hard time finding true and lasting friendships that are deep and meaningful. But several years ago I met a girl at my church and she was so friendly. One day I asked how I could pray for her. Then she started doing that with me. We went out to eat and decided we wanted to be accountable to each other. We ended up starting a Bible study together. Then we attended Bible study at church. We meet off and on for fun and Bible study. Times have changed now that I have young babies, but she is my true Sister in Christ.

  7. Pingback: Will You be My Friend? ? MomLife Today « ofeficagytyb
  8. Loved this, Tracey! Sometimes it is hard to find the time to even be intentional… but it's worth it! I enjoyed our blogger's gathering on the cruise last week — thank you for putting it together. It was nice to meet you face-to-face! xoxo

    Jaime @ Like a Bubbling Brook

  9. LisaJones says:

    Military wife here! This is something I have struggled with and have been working on for the past month. It’s a tough road but well worth the effort. Wonderful read.

  10. Celena Daniels says:

    Great blog. I am relatively new to a much smaller area than where I moved from. Lots of change in that move: was a career wife, now I am a stay at home mom and wife, moved from Sunny Florida to not so sunny Whitefish MT. Had a group of girlfriends and family to connect with in FL. Been a very tough transition for me, let alone the weather, but the relationship building too. Peoples lives are full and I have had a hard time connecting with other women/moms whose lives aren’t already full. I really enjoy being a mom to a precious 10 month old, but I have used her schedule and all the work behind that schedule to avoid the work involved in forming relationships. I have had a lot of failed attempts and it is always hard to try again. Tracey, I am reading your book Be the Mom right now and the Martyr Mom trap has hit me square in the face, but my self-pity is in not having any friends. This struggle has truly been an obstacle that I have not been able to get over. There is a MOPS group that starts on Sept 27, so I am going to give that a try, but when the time comes it will be hard to go. UGH!!! Anyways…hate to be an Eeyore, but man this struggle is kicking me in the shins.