Okay, so you wanna know the truth? For women (or at least for me), sex is 99 percent mental. (Okay, not 99 percent but at least 75 percent.) That’s not saying the physical aspect of love-making isn’t important — it is! — or saying that it’s not magical, exciting, rewarding, and bonding. (It can be all that, too.) But in order for me to be a better lover, I need to make myself think it’s more than just another thing on my to-do list. I need to wrap my mind around being my husband’s lover long before I wrap myself up in his embrace. Here’s 10 ways I do that.

1. Realize I’m beautiful. Sure, I don’t have all the right curves in all the right places like one of those Kardashian girls, but my husband thinks I’m pretty sexy. When I believe that — embrace that — I’m much more open to being intimate.

2. Understand I’m the only naked woman my husband is allowed to look at. This piggybacks on #1 above. If I don’t want my husband to get an eyeful elsewhere, I need to let him check me out. Sure I wish my Magic Eraser could do quick work of my stretch marks and jiggly spots, but since it can’t, I need to live with it. My husband says he loves me just as I am, and I need to trust that.

3. Start thinking about lights out and cuddle time with my morning coffee. Women are slow cookers. It takes a while to warm up. Knowing this, I need to flip the “on” switch.

4. Communicate to my husband that my switch as been flipped on. It’s one way to give him a great day full of expectation!

5. Flirt. I used to be such a tease as a newlywed. Here’s for staying young and fun!

6. Make myself pretty. This includes — but is not limited to — shaving my legs, putting on body spray, and brushing my teeth!

7. Fake a headache … for my husband’s sake. Since we have older kids, it goes something like this. “It’s been a long day. I’m wiped out. I think Daddy and I are heading to bed.”

8. Put baby to bed early. (We’re also parents of an infant.) Is 5:30 too early to have her bathed, fed, and in her pjs? Okay, maybe 5:30 is too early, but a reasonable bedtime can make the difference between cranky mommy versus happy mom and wistful daddy versus smiling daddy.

9. Go to bed naked. I’m serious! Why wear clothes when you don’t have to? (A locked door and a nearby robe are highly recommended.)

10. Remember that God created sex to be a good thing. Even if ideas 1–9 don’t work for you, pray and ask God to show you how to become a better lover. If anyone knows the importance of the bond of love between a husband and wife, it’s Him.