Last Updated on March 21, 2018

Okay, so you wanna know the truth? For women (or at least for me), sex is 99 percent mental. (Okay, not 99 percent but at least 75 percent.) That’s not saying the physical aspect of love-making isn’t important — it is! — or saying that it’s not magical, exciting, rewarding, and bonding. (It can be all that, too.) But in order for me to be a better lover, I need to make myself think it’s more than just another thing on my to-do list. I need to wrap my mind around being my husband’s lover long before I wrap myself up in his embrace. Here’s 10 ways I do that.

1. Realize I’m beautiful. Sure, I don’t have all the right curves in all the right places like one of those Kardashian girls, but my husband thinks I’m pretty sexy. When I believe that — embrace that — I’m much more open to being intimate.

2. Understand I’m the only naked woman my husband is allowed to look at. This piggybacks on #1 above. If I don’t want my husband to get an eyeful elsewhere, I need to let him check me out. Sure I wish my Magic Eraser could do quick work of my stretch marks and jiggly spots, but since it can’t, I need to live with it. My husband says he loves me just as I am, and I need to trust that.

3. Start thinking about lights out and cuddle time with my morning coffee. Women are slow cookers. It takes a while to warm up. Knowing this, I need to flip the “on” switch.

4. Communicate to my husband that my switch as been flipped on. It’s one way to give him a great day full of expectation!

5. Flirt. I used to be such a tease as a newlywed. Here’s for staying young and fun!

6. Make myself pretty. This includes — but is not limited to — shaving my legs, putting on body spray, and brushing my teeth!

7. Fake a headache … for my husband’s sake. Since we have older kids, it goes something like this. “It’s been a long day. I’m wiped out. I think Daddy and I are heading to bed.”

8. Put baby to bed early. (We’re also parents of an infant.) Is 5:30 too early to have her bathed, fed, and in her pjs? Okay, maybe 5:30 is too early, but a reasonable bedtime can make the difference between cranky mommy versus happy mom and wistful daddy versus smiling daddy.

9. Go to bed naked. I’m serious! Why wear clothes when you don’t have to? (A locked door and a nearby robe are highly recommended.)

10. Remember that God created sex to be a good thing. Even if ideas 1–9 don’t work for you, pray and ask God to show you how to become a better lover. If anyone knows the importance of the bond of love between a husband and wife, it’s Him.

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  1. Doni Bennett says:

    This is great information. I love being my husbands wife, greatest cheer leader, best friend and accountability partener. God had done amazing things in our lives. And we are living proof that this information is correct and vital in our marriages. If you are longing for fullfillment in your life….behind closed, locked doors follow the steps and reap the results. Thanks for sharing Tricia

  2. LaBreeska says:

    RE: #9 ~ Reminds me of my wedding shower ~ my Mom said that every married woman needs a sexy flannel night gown to which my pretty quiet aunt replied "It's in case of a fire!!" =D

    These are so hard for me to deal with ~~ in our almost 8 yrs of marriage and unfortunately only 1 child (a son) so far that we just adore, I have gained 100lbs (yes, sad I know) and long to be that skinny bride again! That's probably the only day in my life that I actually felt beautiful! I LOVED LOVED LOVED being that skinny (took me over a yr & 1/2 to lose 60lbs & not because of my hubby either, we hadn't even met when I started losing)!! My husband tells me my size doesn't bother him but I just can't see how it can't bother him!! Especially since our times of sex has decreased since I was so skinny. I'm sure it's normal to decrease in how many times it actually happens the longer you've been married but it's hard for me to accept that it's not because I've gained all this weight as sex has decreased. Does this make sense?? I want to lose this weight again but I just can't get my will power back! If I was to get pregnant again now I know the pregnancy could be torture on my body!! I guess I need to pray more about it and ask for God's help but it's hard to be open to the fact.

    1. hi, ive always struggled with food myself, and people used to tell me that Jesus Christ is the answer to that problem. I knew also from the bible that Jesus is the answer to everything, but i just couldnt understand how until i listened to program on the “family life today” talk show that opened my eyes so much!
      i want to give you the links to listen to this program if you want to and i guarantee youll never look at food the same way again!

      i hope this helps you if you see it or anyone else 🙂 God Bless!

  3. I'm struggling with feeling sexy…because after two kids, one with me having to be on bed rest most of the time, I've gained 70 pounds. I recently asked my husband what he finds sexy about me physically, and he couldn't answer me. that broke my heart. so now, I'm very self-conscious. I've been struggling for 3 years to lose weight and it's not working.

  4. I know if i lost 80 pounds im 220 and 57 i would feel s much more sexy any help my husband still wants to have sex and lots of it im confused

  5. I wish this post could help me. My dear sweet husband has pretty much zero interest, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I should be used to it, I guess. We’ve been married 14 years, but on our wedding night he said to me, “Oh, honey, do we HAVE to? We’ll be married forever, and I’m tired.” (So we did nothing, that night, nor much at all on our honeymoon – or for the next 1 1/2 decades.) Nothing has changed. He’s ALWAYS “tired”. He’ll even announce when he wakes up, that he’s tired, so as to prevent me from getting my hopes up later on – but then he’ll go out and do things like dirt biking or go hang out with his friends. =/ He’s worked 3rd shift for 16 years. I think that’s the problem, but surely other 3rd shifters have some interest in their wives, right?

    I love him dearly, but this one issue rips me to shreds. I get depressed when I have to go too long without that physical connection to my husband. Then all of my life becomes unbearably hard. Any ideas?

    1. I feel the same way about my husband, he also seems to have little interest in sex however, he does not go out and do things, he truly is tired and uninterested. He has even told me face to face that ever since we have had a child his sex interest has gone down ALOT. But he treats me very well and is amazing with our son, and it is all odd to me because before the baby sex was an everyday thing sometimes twice a day o.o. For a while I got very depressed and although I knew he never cheated on me it was still in the back of my mind and I felt very unattractive. Eventually I sat down and talked to him for about an hour about it telling him how I felt and how depressed it was making me. I let him know that I need to feel wanted sexually or I will become a train wreck and eventually start getting jealous (even if he isn’t cheating) and I will become paranoid and probably turn into someone he isn’t going to like. We didn’t fight about it, he is a pretty understanding man and knows a lot about women and ever since then he has treated me differently, sex is about week now (up from once a month lol) and he randomly comes and gives me a kiss while I am cleaning sometimes, he even went as far as buying me 2 dozen roses which he NEVER does, he isn’t the “romantic” type and I am not a materialistic person but for him to do that without someone suggesting it was pretty cool. So I can only suggest that you talk with your husband, and while I know not all husbands understand women like mine I hope that yours can see what this is doing to you. Good luck and I hope this helps =). Also don’t approach this in a rude manner or with an attitude (I’ve tried) and It only leads to them stomping away. Be as calm and polite as you can and keep your voice volume to a minimum. Hope this helps…Casandra Daley, wife and mother of a 1 year old.

    2. Emily, I fully understand. I am in the same spot as you. He is actually very good at showing love in his own way, but as time as gone on the passion has left as well as the sex. I know he’s physically able since we were intimate a couple months ago after a long talk and wanting to appease me. I wish I had an answer, I think we are in a situation that we have to decide for ourselves what to do since we have to live with the decision we make. I wish you the best.

  6. oh god..i have the best husband in the world… he treat me like a princess. i never have to ask him for anything. he understand me so well. we have been married for 3yrs n 2 months. and we have 1 1/2 yr son.. and our sex life is just perfect 🙂 im so happy to find him as my soul mate…

  7. Wow! Seems like there is a common pattern to your readers. I stumbled upon your sight and thought I’d give my 2 cents. Ladies, if you desire a great and deeply satisfying sex life with your partner, it doesn’t come by doing nothing. I have been married to my husband for 15 years, have two elementary school aged kids and have a very passionate sex life. We both work out and feel good about our bodies to the point where we want to show one another. We enjoy cooking together and get the kids involved when we can. We light candles for dinner (and I am a mom who have kids with homework, bath time, etc). We take care of ourselves and the rest falls into place. If your overweight, change it, baby steps. Every moment does count, so be accountable.

  8. Been married for 16 years to my best friend but sometimes life just gets in the way. Trying to find ways to be sexy after homework,dinner, scouts etc is a challenge.. I appreciated some of the advice, hoping we can fit in us time. I just wish I had more to give my relationship at the end of the day. The want is there but the follow through needs help.

  9. Thanks so much for that post. It is exactly what I needed to read this morning.

  10. sherri cody says:

    I really like your advice, im very self conscience about my looks so it makes for a stressful thing going on. My boyfriend does not tell me im sexy or beautiful i dont know why so it makes it hard to feel sexy ot anything so i will tell myself. Thank you