As moms, we know how important the words we speak are to our kids. We can see in a moment how a kind word can soothe a child’s tears or how an angry word can immediately change the atmosphere of a room.
We spend countless hours trying to get our children to speak kindly to others. We understand the importance of words with our kids, both the words we speak to them, the words we speak about and over them, and the words we want them to use with others.
But, how much time do we spend thinking about the way we speak to and about our spouse?
If you are anything like me, that often comes as an afterthought. Or worse, we reserve our worst words and tones for our spouse, reasoning that we don’t have to be as careful with them, since they are a full-grown adult, something I have been guilty of in the last few months.
The book of Proverbs says a lot about how we speak, but I find one particular verse haunting and convicting.
Proverbs 18:21 says,
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”
How we speak is powerful. Every time we open our mouths, we have the choice to speak life or to speak death.
Speaking Life Into Your Marriage Starts with Everyday Words
I’ve been convicted of this lately in the way I speak to my husband. I’ve realized that I can control my temper with my kids; I can be a lot more patient with them because I don’t want them to internalize any anger or frustration that I have with their behavior or with the frustrations of day-to-day life.
However, I assume that my husband won’t take my biting tone or harsh tone personally. Surely he can see, and he understands that I’m often just overwhelmed.
Obviously, I love him, so he should know that my words are more often a reflection of things that have nothing to do with him rather than an indication of how I’m feeling about him. But the truth is that’s unfair to him. He’s not a mindreader, and he doesn’t always know what’s going on.
Often, I’m choosing to speak death rather than life over him because I think he can “handle it”. That’s not how God is calling me to love him well.
I know the importance of speaking life to my kids, and I’m slowly learning (or relearning) the importance of speaking life over my husband—because speaking life into your marriage is so important.
Yes, this is a hard season for me. We have two toddlers who are very prone to throwing tantrums and making life difficult. But this is a hard season for him, too.
Every time I open my mouth, I have the choice to speak life or death, to try to be gentle and kind and make the season a little easier or to let my anger and frustration come out on him and make his burden heavier.
I’ll be honest and say I don’t always make the right choice, but I’m trying.
I’m also trying to watch how I use my words when my husband is not around. How do I speak about him with my kids or with my friends? Am I respectful and loving in the way I speak, or am I mocking and belittling?
Ephesians 4:29 says,
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” It doesn’t help anyone, me, my husband, or whoever I’m speaking to, to speak about my husband in an unkind or disrespectful way.
Sure, there are things we can laugh about, and there are things we are frustrated with, but even those things can be discussed in a way that is respectful or one that is resentful. Again, I have the power to choose life or death, to build up or to tear down.
As wives, God has called us to love the men we are married to, never forgetting that they are His sons that he created and loves too. He wants us to treat them with respect, and that includes how we speak to them and about them.
This doesn’t have to be complicated either. It can be as simple as just having a goal to say one kind/encouraging thing to your spouse each day. Our words matter. They can bring life and fill up his sail and help him be the best version of himself, or they can bring death and tear him down.
Life or death, the choice is yours.