Last Updated on March 23, 2025
I heard her sniffing before I saw the moist strokes left by tears on her cheeks. “I’m just scared,” she sobbed.
My daughter was headed to a good friend’s house so my husband and I could enjoy a night out. When my husband sat with her on the bed and nestled her under his arm, she eked out an explanation for her sobs: She’d seen a presentation on tornadoes that had frightened her. And she didn’t want to be away from us anyway.
But what I found my ears drawn to even more than her tears were my husband’s straightforward, yet gentle words to her.
He realized that this was a way she felt powerless, and he treated it with that kind of respect. Still, he kept himself from responding in a way that added more drama, realizing she was taking her cues from him.
Rather than opt for “That won’t happen. Everything will be fine,” or “Tough toenails, kiddo,” he, essentially, calmly told the truth…
It went something like:
- Let’s look at the truth. The chances are pretty slim that would happen tonight.
- But even if it did, this is what we would do.
- Still, first bullet point.
- However, what do we know about bad things happening? Who’s in control of that? Where is our hope?
- Let me pray with you.
- Let’s take some baby steps. And going to your friend’s house for a movie night is a pretty nice baby step.
I compared this with a friend who had addressed her son’s fears regarding their trip to Europe several years ago. I remember her telling him, “Nothing bad will happen! We’ll be back safe and sound! God will take care of us.”
Here’s what I’ve been thinking about. What about when something bad does happen? What happens to your son’s thinking about God at that point?
11 Tips for Dealing With Kids’ Fears
I’m far from an expert in this area. But here are a few tips I’ve picked up from parents along the way…
1. In dealing with our kids’ fear, we’re developing their theology—their thinking about God and His relationship to bad things.
Kids learn methods to deal with lifelong fears in these moments—and to choose faith and courage instead at those little, and large, forks in the road. They’re also answering the question, “How does God respond to my fear?” When God gives us reasons not to fear in the Bible, the central answer is because I am with you. So…
2. Get to the heart of the fear. Why are they ultimately afraid?
Talk it out. Sure, my daughter saw a presentation. But beneath that I believe we discovered, through talking with her (as opposed to brushing it off or minimizing it) a fear of being unprotected, alone, and in the face of uncontrollable phenomena without a trusted plan.
Try to deal with both the presenting surface issue as well as the heart-level issue. We want our kids to be able to “name, recognize, and manage [their] feelings”[1] in truthful ways that explore how feelings are symptoms of our hearts, and hopefully share them:
Could our child be in an abusive situation? A painful situation they can’t talk about? The keeper of a secret that’s hard to bear alone? Consistent atypical levels of anxiety may mean that you enlist the help of a professional.
3. There’s a healthy tension between teaching our kids Scripture to deal with fear and still completely exploring what’s going on within them.
Simply squashing fear with Bible verses can at times serve to mute our kids’ fear without encouraging them to unpack their emotions. It is deeply good to teach our kids verses like Philippians 4:8 and other verses about courage and who our God is!
We want our kids to present their hearts honestly to God, as David did in the Psalms, rather than just spackling over it. Think of it as the difference between slapping a Band-Aid over a splinter versus extracting the splinter, disinfecting it, and applying the bandage.
Feelings are great indicators of where God wants to connect with us and do work in us, not just get us to straighten up.
4. Pray with them.
Fears can create places where we turn to unhealthy remedies to right ourselves, to retrieve our equilibrium. Pray Scripture together; pray over them; pray specifically and for heart issues… and create reminders for yourself to keep praying.
5. Together, find creative solutions. Make a plan.
Get uber-practical, especially for younger kids who think concretely. And first, ask them what you could do, helping them to be problem solvers for times you’re not there (try not to settle for “I don’t know”). With my daughter, we walked through what would happen if there was indeed inclement weather.
For some of my kids, giving them sample “scripts” for what to do or say in an unknown situation, or telling them stories (fiction or non-) about other people going through similar situations has really helped equip them.
6. Help your child develop healthy coping mechanisms.
This is where Scripture memory comes in. Perhaps they also take deep breaths, visualize themselves confronting the fear with confidence, etc. For my son with ADHD-related anxiety, I laminated a pocket-sized card that listed strategies for when he felt out of control: “I can find a place to be alone. I can find one thing to be thankful for…”
7. Sometimes you’ll be choosing whether or not to completely remove your child from a fearful situation or allow him or her the important teaching experience—and emotional muscle—of learning from hard stuff as you talk each encounter out.
My parents kept me in the classes of at least two teachers I hated, and it changed me in very good ways. One taught me how to write well, which is now my career. And their resolve (face it—it’s hard to watch our kids suffer!) helped me to keep my 4-year-old on the team of a bad soccer coach, so he could learn to deal with more difficult personalities, and we could talk it out in the car after I kept an eye from the sidelines.
Be careful not to baby kids’ fears—especially those that someday, they will have to face on their own (Water. Dogs. New people.). Avoiding scary situations doesn’t help our children develop scaffolding to conquer them. And God has a lot of great promises for overcomers and conquerors!
8. Take the next step.
What steps can your child use to address the practicalities of his fear? What would the first, itty-bitty step be? This site suggests using yourself as a “home base” to which the child can repeatedly return after approaching the feared object.
9. If your son or daughter continually struggles with fear, consider other ways you can increase confidence.
My husband gained a great deal of confidence in his teen years through hiking, mountaineering, kayaking, and other physical challenges with his dad. Other children develop poise, fluidity, and perseverance through sports, or in developing one of their unique areas of talent—like performing arts, for example—that require “little bites” of confidence and courage.
Maybe that means praising your son as he tries bigger stunts at the playground, or your daughter as she refutes peer pressure or decides not to back down in the face of more popular girls at school.
10. For some kids, realize that talking too much about the issue cements them further in their fear.
Yep, I would agree that there are times when our kids just need to choose courage: We’ve talked it out, we’ve prayed about it, and now it’s just time to choose the right thoughts, and not choose others. Getting them to laugh a little might help!
Obviously navel-gazing is not biblical, either—and in our self-focused world, sometimes we can take attending to our kids’ emotions to the extreme of self-focus, and perpetuate fear. Neuropsychology teaches us that once the brain explores a new concept, it’s much easier to revisit that concept; our brain has already breached pathways there. For me, this is another great reason to make every thought obedient to Jesus Christ. Our words, and even our thoughts, have power in cementing what we think.
11. Reward them for courage—even if it’s just verbally.
If your son braved the dentist, perhaps he could watch a short DVD when you get home. Create positive memories, feelings, and reinforcement to surround acts of courage.
My daughter’s “baby step” to her friend’s home was a good first step to confronting her fears. And when we picked her up giggling later that night, it was good to gently remind her that her fears were not realized, tell her we were proud of her, and snuggle her up in our arms.
Janel has a blog of her own: A Generous Grace. She writes, “Discovering God’s undeserved, indescribable favor—grace—has turned my life on its head. It’s my hope that He’ll knead that more into my soul, so others can soak it up, too. This site’s about ‘Jesus with jeans on’—letting God work Himself into real, practical, everday life.” Check it out!
[1] Scazzero, Peter. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Unleash a Revolution in Your Life in Christ. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson (2006), p. 45. Kindle edition.
*This post was originally published on September 11, 2020
Thank You, Thank You, Thank you!