I don’t feel qualified to write about faith, because in many ways I am still learning the basics of trusting God. However, my sweet husband reminded me that we have been blessed with a story and I pray that it will be used to bring glory to our Heavenly Father.
I was always told growing up that I’m the only one who will take care of me and I shouldn’t rely on anyone but myself. There was no mention of God’s control or provision. I had this great plan to earn a degree and be self sufficient with a career, followed by meeting the man of my dreams, getting married, having a couple of kids and living happily ever after.
All of those things did in fact take place. I was still under the impression though that it was due to my hard work and that I earned all of it. Slowly, through these “life accomplishments,” God began calling me to himself and revealing his grace and provision. I was just blind to see it.
One of my favorite memory verses is in Proverbs:
[verse reference=”Proverbs 3:5-6″]Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all that you do acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.[/verse]
It sounds beautiful and peaceful and easy — until it’s not.
Our oldest son, Noah, was almost 2 years old when our daughter Annabelle was born. I thought being a working mom to our son was difficult and then Annabelle was diagnosed with a terminal genetic disease and the word difficult held new meaning.
God was pulling me in and chiseling at the self sufficiency I had become so confident in. The whirlwind of diagnosis and the new normal that took place was overwhelming. I struggled (and still struggle) with the juggling act of being an advocate for my daughter and letting God provide for all she needs. I wanted to fix it and heal her, and I spent all my time researching all the possibilities of helping her and making it better. It didn’t take long before the weight of control was too much. I had to admit that I couldn’t do it all or fix it.
I had to let go and put my daughter’s life in her Maker’s capable hands.
She is now 4 years old and I regularly have to remind myself that her health and life are not in my control. In the last four years, I have heard too often, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” That statement is so very false! God gave me more, and gives you more, so that we learn to understand we can do NOTHING without him.
Our every breath is a gift from Him. Self sufficiency is a lie. I can make phone calls and plan appointments and take care of Annabelle to the best of my ability, but when God calls her home it won’t matter if we are in the best hospital in the world or at our house. There is peace in knowing He is in complete control. But I will admit, it is a constant battle of my mind to choose to trust in His plan instead of what I think is best for us.
My husband and I had a third baby last year, a son we named Jude. He also has the same terminal genetic condition as his older sister. His life looks considerably different however, due to the knowledge we acquired taking care of Annabelle and a new treatment that was available to him shortly after birth.
The lives of all my children are precious and the blessing of their diagnoses has provided keen awareness of just how short life is. We are all terminal, but not everyone has the daily reminder of a life-threatening diagnosis. I know God could heal my babies right now if he wanted to and I pray he does regularly. But I choose to trust him and praise him even if he doesn’t.
[verse reference=”Jeremiah 29:11″]For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.[/verse]
I can say with honesty that I enjoy the little things more knowing our time together may be short. That is a blessing.
In hindsight, God’s provision is evident in my whole life. However, in the last four years, he has truly blessed us beyond our comprehension. His timing has been perfect. The friends and community that have come out of nowhere. The safety he has blessed us with as we travel constantly to doctors and hospitals. The drug trial our daughter was able to be a participant in. The other families I have met living with the same daily routines we do. The fact that God never let go of me even when I didn’t think I had a mustard seed of faith left. There are many more examples and a long story that accompanies each one, but the point is that God provided in each and every situation we found ourselves in.
I continue to struggle with anxiety and fear concerning the health of my children. It’s a battle of my mind to choose to believe and trust God. Jesus is more than enough to prove God’s provision, but since I tend to learn things the hard way I now have four years of stories and examples of His provision in our lives. God knew my heart and He knew what would truly allow Him to chisel and refine me to trust Him.
We are currently pregnant with our fourth child and will have genetic testing performed before birth to determine if this little blessing will have the same diagnosis as his siblings. I continue to battle doubt and fear and the “what ifs” that run through my mind.
A friend of mine wisely advised me in my anxiety that the best place to be is in the center of God’s will. She is right and I will continue to keep my eyes fixed on Him and his perfect plan for our lives.
Your story is most likely very different from mine, but our God is the same. His provision and grace and countless blessings are evident every single day regardless of where you find yourself. I pray my testimony of God’s love and provision encourages you to trust Him more.
{Editor’s Note: MomLife Today is blessed to welcome Alyssa Combs as a guest contributor. She and her husband Michiel have been married for 10 years and they are the parents of three little one’s, soon to welcome a fourth. We pray Alyssa’s journey of hope will bless you, as you live out your own, trusting in the Father’s love and faithfulness.}
