“My kids and my stepkids are miserable and exhausted during the holidays,” Nicole, a mom and stepmom explained.
“The flip-flopping between homes, different bedtimes, and all the sugar they eat at the other house, creates a big mess,” she continued.
“This year will be even harder. Their dad has a new baby. And the stepmom’s biological kids will be in the home the entire time. I know divorce is hard on kids, but during the holidays it can become one big chaotic fiasco. And it takes weeks to get them back to normal.”
Co-parenting with a former spouse during the holidays can be a challenge. Here are some ideas that can help:
Strategic Planning
There are three intentional areas to focus during the holidays when a parent has kids living in two homes. The sooner he/she carefully considers and addresses these items the better it is for everyone.
1. First, is a discussion with the other parent.
If possible, a calm, informational negotiation between the two biological parents should include reviewing the calendar, visitation times, and pick up/drop off details. This communication shouldn’t be delegated to the stepparent unless both biological parents prefer it.
The children should never be placed in the middle to organize or orchestrate the visitation schedule. Also refrain from asking the child, “where do you want to go?”. It places them in a horrible contest. For this communication to be successful it will require two mature adult parents who care more about the children than they do, “winning the holiday.”
2. Second, each parent should have a conversation with their own children explaining the plans both biological parents have agreed upon.
This allows the child to remain neutral and to witness unified parents and a defined upcoming schedule.
It’s not uncommon for a parent to put off the conversation with an ex-spouse until the last minute. This is especially true if they have a tumultuous relationship. However, waiting only creates more drama, trauma, and turmoil.
It’s possible (and wise) to have a legal document or court orders which clearly define the parameters for holidays. If one parent refuses to abide by the legal agreement that’s when a major disruption occurs. And a parent might need to seek legal counsel.
However, a parent cannot control the other parent, or what occurs in the other home, unless it is illegal.
3. Lastly, a parent who has remarried should clearly explain the agreement that is in effect with the former spouse, and the implemented schedule including dates, times, and expectations.
Accept the Reality of Co-Parenting During the Holidays
It’s normal for a parent and a stepparent to desire, “heavenly peace” during the holidays. However, in a blended family that’s co-parenting during the holidays, there are numerous people and situations that can’t be controlled.
Learning what’s possible to control and letting go of the things that cannot be controlled is a huge learning curve.
For example, if a dad’s ex-spouse chooses to withhold the children or create chaos at the last minute, that is something that can’t be controlled in the moment. Fighting, demanding, and threatening typically do not resolve conflict.
If a wife’s former husband doesn’t show up to take the kids at the scheduled time, the couple may need to temporarily change their plans.
If either of those situations are a common occurrence, and the other parent has a history of this behavior, then legal counsel may be necessary for future events. However, in the moment it’s best to not allow the kids to witness hostility.
Showing the kids that they can still have a good Christmas even when the plans change at the last minute is a huge blessing and desire in blended families.
A stepparent’s job is to help their spouse evaluate the options available, or assist in seeking wise counsel, including legal help after the holidays are over. It is not his/her job to address the former spouse.
Encourage the Kids
What memories of your home do you want the children to have when they grow up?
Sometimes letting go of your end of the rope is the most loving thing a parent can do. If the struggle over having the kids on Christmas day becomes so intense that it ruins everyone’s holiday, including the children, then it might be advisable to have the celebration with them on a different day.
You might not like that your child is going to the home of a new stepmom or stepdad during the holidays. It’s hard to handle the thought of the children visiting people you don’t know well. But that isn’t something that can be controlled.
Instead, ease the child’s fear or guilt. “Wow! You are going to visit Michael’s mom and dad. I heard they have a new cuddly puppy and I bet you will just love him.”
OR, “I know it may seem weird to visit Nicole’s sister because you don’t know her yet. But she has a little girl your age and I just know you are going to have fun there. I don’t want you to worry about me. I have plans with grandma for Christmas morning.”
I’m not suggesting to let the former spouse rule everything. I am recommending that the couple work toward peace, even if it means sacrificing what you prefer for the sake of the children.
What About Gifts?
Gifting between the homes can become a real challenge if one parent lavishes the kids with presents, and the other home doesn’t. It could be one home has a lot more income than the other, or one parent might not want the holiday to be focused on getting stuff.
With kids living in two homes there is a huge temptation to “one up” the other parent. Most agree the goal for the holidays should not be focused on a price tag or the number of gifts received. If we are honest, it’s easier to say than to do.
Whenever possible work toward setting a peaceful tone in the home. The greatest gift a child living in two homes can receive is the absence of friction, disapproval, and tension.
When a child can rest at night knowing “In this home I can relax and be myself. I don’t have to be on edge and watch every word I say about my other home. I don’t walk on eggshells. I am loved,” it’s a priceless gift.
The parent and stepparent can continuously pray for God’s wisdom asking, “What is within my control to help these children have pleasant thoughts and experiences? Will they remember the night we laughed while baking cookies or the fight over who has them on Christmas Eve? Lord, help me to instill peace not conflict.”
When the Other Home Doesn’t Believe in Jesus
All stepfamilies are formed out of loss. A death or divorce has occurred, and that means grief—for everyone. Holidays and memories have a habit of triggering various emotions.
A challenging aspect of a blended family living is when one home believes in Jesus as the Savior, and the other home does not. It can become a huge source of conflict between the homes.
Having a child who is living in a home that doesn’t believe in Jesus, or possibly is antagonistic towards Christianity, might be the hardest thing a parent or a stepparent will ever do. The most significant aspect of the situation is the parent/stepparent actions, words, and attitude towards the other home can shape and dictate how the child views God.
If the parent/stepparent are judgmental, condescending, shaming, cruel, or critical of the other parent the child will grow up with a distorted view of God. The child might memorize the entire book of John, but if he sees the Christian parent respond to the other parent in an ungodly manner it instills a perverted image of God.
In other words, “more is caught than taught.” The child is watching. He/she is observing how his Christian parent and stepparent respond and react toward the unsaved parent.
To handle this as Jesus would requires a deep, consistent, and tenacious relationship with God. The desire to speak negatively about the other parent, especially when they sin, will be a fierce temptation.
The challenge will demand much prayer, and supernatural grace. It will require asking the Holy Spirit to replace human thinking with mind of Christ.
It won’t be easy. Following Jesus never is.
Jesus knows what it’s like to be in a stepfamily. And his half siblings didn’t always support or encourage Him. Sometimes they were downright nasty.
Fortunately, the Holy Spirit never leaves us. His comfort and joy are always available to those who call upon His name.
To read more about Jesus and His Stepfamily, and other stepfamilies in the Bible, check out Laura’s most recent book, Stepfamilies of the Bible: Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families, available now.