One of the challenges Christian stepfamilies encounter is how to successfully co-parent when one home follows the teachings of Christ, and the other home does not.
This is particularly true and exceedingly complex if the other home is anti-Jesus or believes in something that contradicts biblical teaching.
The goal is how to help the child when he/she travels between two homes that have vastly different values, ethics and convictions.
Children are fiercely loyal to biological parents. If the child (young or old) feels the non-Christian parent is being judged or vilified for his/her lifestyle, they will typically align and defend that parent.
Therefore, the actions and responses from the Christian parent and stepparent are vitally important.
The following are ways to address this complex situation.
5 Steps to Christian Co-parenting with Non-believers
1. Evaluation.
The first step is to remember more is, “caught than taught.” In other words, if we speak Christian teachings, and dispense scripture as wisdom, but our behavior is inflammatory, rude and antagonistic, our actions are obstructing our words. We are deterring and destroying the ability to positively influence the other home.
To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Your actions speak so loudly, I can’t hear what you say”.
Throughout the Gospels we read of sinners being drawn to Jesus. Most of the time it’s due to how He treats the sinner. He is respectful, gentle and kind. We can speak truth and be compassionate at the same time. The only time we witness Jesus getting angry at sinners is when it’s connected to religious leaders.
2. Remember the Goal.
A Christian isn’t perfect. We make mistakes all the time. However, a true Christ follower is continuously asking the Holy Spirit to make him/her like Christ. It’s admitting and intentionally turning away from destructive and disparaging behavior.
If your child views the subjects of God, faith, Jesus and church as creating hostility and a battleground between the parents, it’s become another trigger for conflict, rather than a sanctuary of peace. This sabotages the goal. Do your part to shut down the tension. Christians can speak truth without becoming combative.
3. Shift the focus.
What if we didn’t concentrate on what the other house believes or doesn’t believe? What if the emphasis was on, “How would Jesus respond?” What if this is a parent’s perfect setting to teach the child how to encounter, and lovingly reply, to a world that rejects, mocks, or misunderstands the teachings of Christ?
If the other home tells the child, “Jesus is a fairy tale, it’s stupid to believe that nonsense.” You could say, “Kaylee, I’m sorry you are hearing that, it must be very confusing to have parents who don’t have the same beliefs. In our home we believe in that Jesus is the Savior of the World.”
Then share a little bit of YOUR OWN personal testimony of how you came to believe in Jesus. No one can argue with your story or your experience.
“I know your mom/dad believes in …, and that is a contradiction to the teachings of Jesus. So, we have very different opinions on this subject. If you sincerely ask God to reveal the truth to you—He will. It’s a promise.”
4. Being Right vs. Having a Relationship.
It’s important that the child understand that the Christian parent isn’t trying to “be right.” If the parent says things like, “Your father is going straight to hell because he doesn’t believe in Jesus,” or “Your mother has no morals and is drunk every night and she calls herself a Christian,” those comments will communicate to the child that you merely want to be right. And that you view yourself as superior to the other parent.
This should not be an “us vs. them” situation. Our home are the good guys, your other parent’s house are the bad guys. Certainly, its normal to be angry, discouraged and sad when our child is being raised in a home that teaches ungodly values. However, painting the other parent as evil won’t achieve the goal.
Instead, try, “I’m so sorry that my faith in Jesus makes it harder for you to live in two homes. It breaks my heart that you are confused about this, and I know you didn’t ask for it. Divorce is hard on kids, and this is one of the reasons why. Let me know if there is something I can do to make it easier. I will never walk away from my faith, and I pray one day you will follow Him too, but I want to help make this easier for you if I can. Am I doing something that is making it harder for you?”
5. Let the Holy Spirit Do His Job.
A Christian parent cannot control what his/her child is being taught in the other home. Unless it’s illegal or abusive the other parent can teach the child whatever they desire. A wise course of action is to become educated on the belief system your child is learning. Explore how and why it’s different from Christianity. Some religions will be easier to understand than others.
Don’t turn the new knowledge into a disagreement, weapon or a debate. Aim to be schooled on what the child is learning in the other home.
Most Christians are not well informed about other religions or current spiritual trends. The temptation to be “right” and to prove why the other belief system is wrong, will be powerful.
Remember Jesus didn’t try to prove he was accurate. He presented the truth in a calm, clear manner and let the people decide.
The kids will observe the Christian parent’s actions, responses and listening abilities.
Calmly ask age-appropriate questions. “Do you understand that when Jesus says He is the only way to heaven, that it means He loves us so much that He is showing us how to get there? Would you want to know for sure where you are going when you die? If Jesus is who He says He is, would you want to know it?”
And then share,
“Every day I’m learning more about how to love like Jesus does. I’m not perfect, but He is teaching me. And as your dad/mom sometimes that includes doing things or sharing things you won’t understand. Don’t ever question my love for you just because your mom/dad and I don’t have the same view and relationship with God. I long for you to know Jesus the way I do, and I pray daily for that to happen. I pray for your mom/dad too. But no matter what my love for you is unconditional. You are my son/daughter, and I love you completely.”
There may be times where a conflict can’t be avoided. If the other parent is involving the child in a cult, or a dangerous setting, the Christian parent must be alert and get legal advice.
We must remember that the Holy Spirit has the power to reach our kids, even if they live in two homes. He works in ways we do not understand.
The praying parent has power. The situation isn’t hopeless. Our job is to be so hidden in Christ that when our child observes us in the day-to-day living, he/she sees Jesus. The Christian home should be a haven where there are boundaries fueled by loved, respect, and simplicity.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:1-3
Laura’s latest book, Stepfamilies of the Bible: Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families, is available now right HERE. You can learn more about Laura at https://thesmartstepmom.com.