Mom Baby Love

My thoughts lead me down a path that I do not believe I am intended to go, but the path stretches before me and elicits words my sinful heart aches to embrace and my tickled ears long to hear.

“I feel so small. I feel completely forgotten.”

“I can’t do this. It requires too much.”

My longing for sleep is interrupted by the sound of crying.

Again.

If I could just sleep, or truthfully if I could just escape, and for now sleep is the only means of escape. It’s as if my brain is melting. My past, my memories, my education, relationships, knowledge, goals, dreams are all losing their intended usefulness and are melding into a putrid mess.

I no longer exist.

I have become a “what could have been” cliché. I am that weak woman, that “you sacrificed your possibilities to be a mother” woman.

I do not matter anymore.

I am losing my chance at success and life fulfillment.

Another shrill cry wafting from the nursery — louder this time.

Why me?

Why must it be me that answers the cry? I don’t want to do this anymore. It requires far too much.

Like the walking dead, or a silent drone on a mission, I do what I must do to stop the crying. Change the diaper, embrace, sway gently, pat lightly, provide nourishment.

Tiny hands clasp bare skin and I hear gurgling as my eyes travel down.

I stare blankly at the wriggling in my arms. Little bright eyes grow wider and light up, which awakens a dulled mom heart.

I slightly squint focus afresh, the corners of my mouth tilt up slightly and soft lines form at the edges of my weary eyes.

My heart hears a whisper from above, “You are highly favored.”

As if a power point was on slideshow the blessings of my life begin to click through my clouded head. So much life.

What I grasp in the recognition of much blessing is the knowledge that it is more than simple provision … it is God’s unmerited grace.

The zombie induced bitterness that had taken hold shatters and broken pieces are blown into oblivion as the Holy Spirit wafts in to breathe new life.

My cheeks grow cold from healing salt tears.

I treasure up all these things and ponder them in my heart.

My prayer:

“Lord, may I never see motherhood as a burden or interruption, but as the highly favored gift that it is. May my daily life as a mom bring glory to You. Guide me to willingly, joyfully give of myself fully and gratefully receive your grace.”

All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give.

I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all, all to thee my blessed Savior.

I surrender all.

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8 Comments

  1. I never, ever felt that motherhood was a burden.

  2. Ann-Marie says:

    Tracey, I know these feelings from the drained mind to the peaceful blessings. Thank you for the boost.

  3. Amy Kirchhoff says:

    This was beautiful capsulation of a vulnerable moment. I, too, have experienced (am experiencing) similar feelings and thoughts. Thank you for sharing.

  4. Thanks for this! As an achievement-driven person sometimes the slow and often intangible rewards from mothering leave me thinking I’m missing out…struggling with a balance between family and career. I’m always encouraged to be reminded that mothering is an important job and a gift from God.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I am feeling very overwhelmed with motherhood. I am a young mother (married) and have 3 little ones. One is in school, and the other two are home with me. I don’t get out the house much now unless its for class which is only about 2hrs twice a week or church. I do the same thing over and over again everyday. I can’t catch up or maintain the cleanliness of my home. My kids need me 24/7. I can’t wash a dish without the baby crying or my two year old screaming about something! There’s so much more that I can say but I wouldn’t want to overwhelm the reader. What can I do so that I’m not feeling anymore that motherhood is a burden? I need real advice. I cry and cry because I am so lost! Please help!

  6. Anonymous, you are not alone 😉 Is there anyone that can watch the kids, even if it is just for an hour a week, so that you can encourage and refresh your spirit. Spend time with God or have coffee with a friend? Is there anything you can do to make certain areas of your life easier and less stressful (you might decide to use only paper plates and plastic forks for a week so that you don’t have to worry about dishes and catch up on other things that need your attention). Is there a MOPS moms group in your area? You can go to http://www.mops.org to find out (click on “Find a Group”). Sometimes it is encouraging to just meet with other moms and know that they are dealing and feeling with the same things you are. I know these things may sound simple, but I know how it feels to be overwhelmed and stressed and some of these simple things have helped me. It is a journey. Bless You 😉

  7. Mikki Holland says:

    This article has touched me spiritually….OMGoodness! I feel like crying because I’m still carring around guilt & shame because I was not a healthy mother when my children were small. I was a ‘baby’ having a baby @ 18. I can easily go ‘there’ in my head & listen to the “shoulda-woulda-couldas”; but that’s when my spirit is still learning to stop ‘beating myself up in my head’ even before my feet hit the floor in the morning’! I have to share my heart with other women that if it weren’t for my FAITH…I’d be 6ft. under being worm-food!! 😉 It’s been a journey & everyday is a commited choice to believe what God says, vs. visiting the past to focus on the negative things. I pray for wisdom every day & God nudges me to ‘SEE’ & ‘Just BE’…! Put the “bat” do
    wn. Well….I guess I had to get all that out…Perhaps God knows that some Mom out there needed to read my ramblings!! <3