I think I want to hide – preferably in a nice beach house.

Over the past four years I’ve felt many things more acutely than I thought possible – physical reactions to emotional things. A broken heart really does feel broken. A lump in my throat really does make it difficult to swallow. And stress really can feel crushing on the chest.

Lately I’ve been on the edge of tears often … I’ve even hidden in my closet and jumped over that edge a few times. I can’t say exactly why except that I’m weary.

I began listing things that are doing me in – some seemed absurd while others seemed ridiculously overwhelming.

The list was long and I left off lots of little goofy things … wet towels on the floor, things opened and not closed, cup holder science experiments in my car, shaky banisters, nail polish on hardwood floors, contacts that rip, and crockpots that crack.

Golly, I just made another list!

Listing things helped me see I’m not irrational or overemotional. I actually do have a lot on my plate. It also helped me to understand that I’m at a point where I really and truly can’t handle all that God has allowed in my life.

I’m trying to let God handle things, but I’d really like to know His plan … you know, where we’re headed, when we’re going to get there, who’s going to be involved, and our mode of transportation. He doesn’t often share those insights with me.

I believe I’m supposed to move forward with a small flashlight and trust that He’s guiding the beam.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Psalm 119:105

I know I can trust God with the big and little things, but I still feel like I should be doing something to make things better. But I don’t know how to fix most things. And really I don’t know what “fixed” looks like anyway. Let me give you an example: Parenting. Maintaining consistency. Boundaries I can’t seem to keep hard and fast … I’m sorta soft and slow on things. I’m fearful I won’t raise my children well. That stresses me out.

Why can’t I trust that God loves my children more than me … that He will completely take care of things?

I carry a burden I shouldn’t – I need to carry His not mine. His is easy and light … mine is crushing me.

And yet I have a responsibility to raise my children well. I can’t just throw my hands up and do a “Jesus take the wheel” thing. I actually have to do something!

It’s the something that’s getting me. I believe that God wants me to love my children well. And maybe if I’d stop trying to fix everything and erase my to-do list, I would be better at loving.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

I wish I had some final words of wisdom I could share that would untie my knots and yet tie this post up with a lovely little bow. I don’t have any right now. But I believe that it’s all part of healing, growing and learning. I don’t have the answer or the pretty bow right now. But I do know, in His time, God will faithfully provide exactly what I need to accomplish all that is essential on my list.

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13