No Pretty Little Bow
I think I want to hide – preferably in a nice beach house.
Over the past four years I’ve felt many things more acutely than I thought possible – physical reactions to emotional things. A broken heart really does feel broken. A lump in my throat really does make it difficult to swallow. And stress really can feel crushing on the chest.
Lately I’ve been on the edge of tears often … I’ve even hidden in my closet and jumped over that edge a few times. I can’t say exactly why except that I’m weary.
I began listing things that are doing me in – some seemed absurd while others seemed ridiculously overwhelming.
The list was long and I left off lots of little goofy things … wet towels on the floor, things opened and not closed, cup holder science experiments in my car, shaky banisters, nail polish on hardwood floors, contacts that rip, and crockpots that crack.
Golly, I just made another list!
Listing things helped me see I’m not irrational or overemotional. I actually do have a lot on my plate. It also helped me to understand that I’m at a point where I really and truly can’t handle all that God has allowed in my life.
I’m trying to let God handle things, but I’d really like to know His plan … you know, where we’re headed, when we’re going to get there, who’s going to be involved, and our mode of transportation. He doesn’t often share those insights with me.
I believe I’m supposed to move forward with a small flashlight and trust that He’s guiding the beam.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105
I know I can trust God with the big and little things, but I still feel like I should be doing something to make things better. But I don’t know how to fix most things. And really I don’t know what “fixed” looks like anyway. Let me give you an example: Parenting. Maintaining consistency. Boundaries I can’t seem to keep hard and fast … I’m sorta soft and slow on things. I’m fearful I won’t raise my children well. That stresses me out.
Why can’t I trust that God loves my children more than me … that He will completely take care of things?
I carry a burden I shouldn’t – I need to carry His not mine. His is easy and light … mine is crushing me.
And yet I have a responsibility to raise my children well. I can’t just throw my hands up and do a “Jesus take the wheel” thing. I actually have to do something!
It’s the something that’s getting me. I believe that God wants me to love my children well. And maybe if I’d stop trying to fix everything and erase my to-do list, I would be better at loving.
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
I wish I had some final words of wisdom I could share that would untie my knots and yet tie this post up with a lovely little bow. I don’t have any right now. But I believe that it’s all part of healing, growing and learning. I don’t have the answer or the pretty bow right now. But I do know, in His time, God will faithfully provide exactly what I need to accomplish all that is essential on my list.
I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
Sue, my heart hurts for you! And I’ve been feeling the same way lately. For me, I’ve realized when I finally reach the end of myself is the point when I let Jesus shine through me. I’m not expressing it perfectly…it’s early in the morning. :-). But I think in my own strength I feel as though I get stuff done, but there’s less Jesus shining through. It’s like the saying a cracked jar lets more light out. If I wasn’t cracked all to pieces, maybe people wouldn’t see the light of Jesus coming through. Hugs!
So… I am sitting here in tears after reading this; a dear Sister passed this post on to me this morning. God has (once again) ministered His effective grace to me through your wise words. My life as a mom is messier than I ever believed it would be; the burden is great, crushing at times. But through the wisdom that He is providing you, I am reminded that I may not see that “pretty little bow” anytime soon, maybe not at all this side of Heaven. But I do know Who’s in charge over all creation, and He can be trusted at every dark corner. Thank you for your transparency, for not claiming to have a formula or all the answers. That belongs to God, as you’ve stated so well! God bless you!
When God wants your focus to be Him, you can bet the deceiver doesn’t. Listen to some good Christian music and let the Holy Spirit dwell within. Praying for peace from the Holy Spirit. Listen to this and the words (Jeremy Riddle) great singer and preacher. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AHb18HQG9qQ
Sue – me too!
Love,
Gina
[…] No Pretty Little Bow […]
Thank you for being honest. I know you have touched many hearts by writing this. Sometimes it helps just to know that you are not the only one who is feeling or has felt this way. Thank you. The sentence that struck me the most was this: “Why can’t I trust that God loves my children more than me … that He will completely take care of things?” That is an incredible thought that I will probably write in my journal or post on an index card where I can read it often.
It is comforting to know that even though I don’t have all the skills or answers, God does!
Sue, thank you for your sincere honesty. As has already been said, it is comforting to know I am not alone in my struggles with anxiety over my children. Sometimes I wonder what has happened to my carefree spirit and how I got to this point where I stress over everything. Healing does take place but only in His timing and never ours. Thank you the verses; they seemed like just the right ones to
remind us of God’s love, guidance and faithfulness.
I feel the same things often. I am easily overwhelmed and with little patience. Dumb things cause me to succumb to stress. My husband “fixes” things through “advice” with lectures. My eyeballs roll in my head and I lecture my daughter about rolling her eyeballs at me. I need a T-Shirt that says “HYPOCRITE”. My boundaries are as flakey as a croissant, and my mind as double as a drunkards vision. Yet, I know my Father in heaven loves me, my daughter, and my husband. The moment my daughter was born, I knew she wasn’t mine, but only on loan as a teacher to me. Teachers teaching the teachers. How’s that for a cyclical conundrum? Oh well. Never the less, when my daughter was born, I promptly showed her off, but dedicated her to G-d. She is G-d’s child as I am, but I know that regardless of what I do, or do not do, she will turn out fine. I’ve started to pray blessings over her. I have faith, at the end of the day, our Father above will be pleased.
I am So there, friend! Thank you for sharing… it is a blessing!!!