My Single Mom Fall-in Closet
Before I became a single parent, I had a walk-in closet — now I have a fall-in closet.
I don’t mean that I fall over all the stuff in it, although that is also true. By “fall in” I mean me falling in on my knees — often in tears. Sometimes this life is just too much to bear. The responsibility, decisions, issues, and emotions simply overwhelm me at times. I desperately want to make the right decisions. Everyone says that there really are no “right” decisions with regard to many of the things I’m considering, but I still have to actually make a decision. I still have to weigh the options, live with the consequences, and bear the responsibility alone. It just isn’t the way I wanted to be doing this parenting thing.
Decisions aside, there are so many issues to deal with — so many people’s feelings, thoughts, and needs to take into account. My children are all in different stages and phases of life and healing. I can barely get myself through the drama of our life with any semblance of sanity. Somehow I have to walk five other people through it, as well.
I am blessed. My children are wonderful. They are exhausting and difficult at times (but, then again, so am I) but wonderful nonetheless. These amazing little and big people need something beyond what I can give. I am trying to point them to the Lord, but I am struggling to do that consistently. I think too often we are just rushing through the day. School. Activities. Sports. Homework. Meals. Chores. I want so much more for them and me. So to the closet I fall. …
Less-than-stellar Mom moment when someone is disobedient or difficult: Fall in!
Forget to turn in the form so my son could get the field day T-shirt and hamburger lunch: Fall in!
No idea how to deal with teenager angst, middle-child drama, or toddler tantrums, which usually occur simultaneously: Fall in!
Someone questions me about something — anything — I have done or decided, and I second guess everything: Fall in!
My daughters’ pre-school teacher re-does their hair again. Geez, I can’t even get that right? Fall in!
My children miss their father, and I can’t make him come home or make it better: Fall in!
So much left to do, and it’s already 11 p.m., which means tomorrow will be another exhausting day: Fall in!
Hormones: Fall in!
I don’t meet my expectations for anything: Fall in!
Sounds like I should have perpetually bruised knees, but it’s really getting better. I used to be curling up into balls all over the place — the basement, the laundry room, the bathroom, the sofa … anywhere would do — but it’s better now. God is faithful; He is holding me together.
I don’t think it is about me falling down, regaining my strength, and setting out to face this life. I believe that it is about me falling at the feet of Jesus and asking for His strength, perspective, and peace so that I can move forward. I know that my strength comes from the Lord. I don’t believe that being a strong woman removes the pain of this life, but it enables me to move forward even if I’m falling and weeping along the way. I know that I will find Jesus’ strength at every turn … even on my closet floor.