We’re on the Same Team, Right?

Jennifer Dyer

Back in college, an acquaintance asked me why I would take my husband’s name when I got married. I explained that it was like declaring to be on the same team. Just as members of a sports team identify themselves by the team’s name, married couples should do the same.

Now that I am married with children, I must live those words, especially when it comes to disciplining the children. As much as we agree, my husband and I don’t always see things from the same perspective. A recent disastrous dinner comes to mind. He chose a battle with one of the children I did not think was necessary. In fact, it irritated me. What to do?

I bowed my head and prayed. I was reminded of my words and more. We are a team, and my husband is the head coach. If I choose to belittle his parenting, especially in front of the children, I wound my greatest ally. A team should take up their differences in the locker room, away from any watching eyes. They must present a unified front to their opponents. And disrespecting the head coach is a bad idea.

So, what did I do? I kept my mouth shut. And you know what? It turned out my husband was right to chose the battle, I was just too emotional to see it at the time.

Sarah says:

October 14, 2008 at 6:15 am

great post, jennifer. it is something i have to work at daily…communicating better with my spouse, especially about parenting our daughter.
and, for what it's worth, i totally get the deal about taking your husband's name when you get married…but this is largely an american cultural phenomenon. it's not a moral issue…not saying that you were making it one…just an observation. because, as our world in the US becomes more and more diverse, we need to become aware of cultural diferences that our neighbors have, and be sure that we aren't judging the health of their marriage, for example, just because the wife's name is different from her husband's name.
as you know, my husband is arab, and his mother is still and forever will be known by her father's name…in fact, she doesn't even have a 'middle name' as we give them here. her middle name is actually her father's first name and her last name is her father's family name. but mostly to friends and family and in other casual settings, she's known as 'mother of ayman' and her husband is known as 'father of ayman' (name of peter's oldest brother). that's just the way it is in their culture.