Mother/Daughter Conversations
Recently, I watched the movie “Monster-in-Law” starring Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda. The movie centers on the unfortunate relationship between a young, newly-engaged woman and her future mother-in-law. The mother-in-law is adamant that her son, her pride and reason for living, never marry. She is intolerant, very controlling, and manipulative toward his fiancee. It was a sad story that promoted cliched mother-in-law jokes and affirmed those age-old stereotypes.
As a mother-in-law, I constantly challenge myself to diffuse stereotypes. I refuse to be a wedge between my children and their spouses. As a priority, my conversations with our two daughters — one married and the other soon-to-be married — centers around encouraging their relationships with their respective mothers-in-law. I understand that in the best of relationships, a mother-in-law/daughter relationship can be a challenge, yet it can be even more challenging when her husband has a mother who finds it difficult adjusting to the “other woman” in his life. I have found my role with my girls as both a listener and an adviser. Here are a few snippets of our conversations:
- Speak in respectful tones. The tongue can set ablaze any chance for civility.
- Refrain from being combative. Walk away from land mines that hit your button. It takes two to tangle!
- Love your mother-in-law as the mother of your beloved. Choose to forgive and love. Don’t hold grudges.
- Do not be manipulative. Children and your husband should not be weapons of revenge!
- Be honorable. Reach out and initiate moments to be with her.
- Be positive. Refuse to take part in character assassination. Find a confidant to vent for clarity and perspective.
We need relationships that model sacrificial love and grace and that bond our families. The legacies we leave deserve much more.
Wonderful advice, Karen! My mother modeled respect and love to me in her relationship with her mother-in-law, my grandmother. I am blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my mother-in-law which has been a huge help with the death of my mom. Early in my marriage when little things about my husband’s family would annoy me, my mother pointed out that my own family did the same things and I did not get annoyed about it. Why was I more forgiving with my own family than my husband’s? It was a great lesson in forgiveness and tolerance.