I remember the night I discovered my husband’s infidelity as if it were yesterday. I had been out of town for the day and returned home late, finding him already asleep in bed and still holding his phone. As I reached over to plug in his phone, I saw a conversation on the screen that took my breath away.
My heart sank as I realized he had been texting another woman, and it quickly became clear that this was more than just a texting relationship. My husband had been unfaithful.
The shock and betrayal hit me like a tsunami. That night marked the beginning of an almost year-long battle for my marriage—a battle that was far from easy. After discovering the affair, my husband initially broke off the relationship. But a few weeks later, he returned to it. This cycle repeated itself seven times before the battle finally ended.
Five months after my initial discovery, he left to pursue the other relationship, leaving me as a single parent with three heartbroken adult children and two distraught teenagers still at home.
On Easter Sunday of 2012, my husband, Mark, finally stopped fighting with God.
I had a front-row seat to the spiritual warfare raging within his soul, and now, I watched him repent and fully surrender to God. However, it would take two more months before he moved back home and our journey of healing and rebuilding trust had only just begun.
Our story is not unique.
Many couples face the harsh reality of infidelity, and trust is often shattered in other ways as well—constant criticism, dishonesty, financial irresponsibility, or unguarded conversations with someone of the opposite sex.
Broken trust happens in many marriages, whether from infidelity or other betrayals, big or small.
So, how can trust be restored when it’s broken? Is it possible to reconnect two hearts that have been shattered? What does the process of rebuilding trust look like in real life?
Mark and I discovered that with commitment and effort, it’s possible to emerge from this experience with a stronger marriage than before.
Here are five principles we found essential in rebuilding trust in our marriage:
5 Principles for Rebuilding Trust in Marriage
1. Understand the Personal Growth Journey
God has used our pain for new purpose in our lives as we now serve as full-time marriage coaches. One of the things that’s become obvious to us both in our personal journey and our work as marriage coaches is that rebuilding trust in a marriage requires about 70% personal growth and 30% couple growth.
Most couples end up in a counselor’s office after betrayal—we certainly did. However, understanding the need for personal growth—and sometimes personal counseling or coaching—is essential. When Mark and I work with a couple healing from broken trust, it’s often a mix of individual and couple coaching sessions.
Mark and I now call ourselves Mark and Jill 2.0. Our 2.0 upgraded marriage could only happen because there was a Mark 2.0 and a Jill 2.0. The personal work led the way for the couple work.
2) No Secrets
A marriage built on trust has no secrets. Your spouse should have a “master key” to every part of your life. Questions aren’t an invasion of privacy; they are a tool for building oneness. Understanding this is very important for healing. Mark gave me full access to his phone and email accounts and was steady and consistent in his words and actions. This proactive approach helped trust slowly take root in our relationship again.
3) Clean Up Your Side of the Street
I didn’t cause my husband’s infidelity, but I did contribute to the disfunction in our marriage. I had to own what was mine. My critical spirit over our then 28 years of marriage had broken Mark’s trust. Pride had communicated that “my way is the right way.” My tendency to avoid vulnerability and emotion sent an unintentional message to my husband that I didn’t need him. Those were unhealthy dynamics I had brought to our 1.0 marriage and leaving those behind was part of becoming Jill 2.0.
4) Push Accountability
The trust breaker is the trust maker. This phrase was helpful for us in understanding what accountability needed to look like. Accountability is often approached from a “required” standpoint, where the offended spouse demands it from the offender. But true accountability is a powerful tool that the trust-breaker can use to restore their own trustworthiness. Mark communicated proactively, “pushing” information rather than requiring me to pull it out of him. (We share more about this in our free Rebuilding Trust Guide you can find at RebuildingTrust.us.)
5) Forgive
When trust has been broken, forgiveness is layered. I had to forgive how money was misused. I had to forgive Mark for not being fully present on a special family trip that happened when the affair was going on. I had to forgive lie after lie after lie. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it’s a choice. Unforgiveness keeps our hearts bound and trapped in the past, while forgiveness opens us up to the possibility of healing.
Forgiveness doesn’t rebuild trust in and of itself. Instead, forgiveness opens the door of our heart to allow trust to be rebuilt. Forgiveness happens between you and God. Trust is rebuilt between you and your spouse.
If both partners are humble, broken, and ready to repair the relationship, it’s possible to have an even better marriage than before. We’re living that out and cheering you on to experience the beauty of redemption as well!
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Mark and Jill Savage are the creators of the Rebuilding Trust online course and the authors of No More Perfect Marriages, and their two infidelity recovery books: I Really Messed Up, and My Heart Is Broken. You can find them online at MarkandJill.org.