Last Updated on September 26, 2024
I hung up from the phone call with my youngest son feeling good about our conversation but just a little disoriented. It was a few weeks before Thanksgiving, and he was in the midst of his senior year of college.
He and his fiancé were trying to figure out how they were going to split Thanksgiving Day between the two families. I’d had similar conversations with his married siblings earlier in the Fall, who were all trying to figure out the same thing.
In order to make life easier for everyone, my husband and I decided to give the gift of holiday freedom.
We set our youngest free from feeling the need to feel pulled in two directions and gave him our blessing to simply enjoy the day with his fiancé’s family, as we’d already done for his siblings.
We all decided to gather the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Now, my husband and I had to figure out what this new kind of Thanksgiving Day would look like for us!
When our kids launch and have lives of their own, most of us long to have healthy relationships with our now-adult kids. We want to stay connected without being overbearing. But how can we do that?
Setting healthy boundaries with adult children
After launching five kids, I’ve found a few principles that have served us well…
1. Holiday Flexibility—The day doesn’t matter—just gathering whoever can come at some point is the goal. This may mean you have to figure out different ways to use the day if you end up alone like my husband and I did years ago. It also may mean that when someone can’t come home for the holidays, you make that communication easy for them with a “We will miss you, but we certainly understand,” response. No guilt trips allowed.
2. Pray, Don’t Say—You spent 18 years leveraging your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs in their life. Now, they get to do that for themselves. I’ve found that the phrase “pray, don’t say” serves me well to remember to take my thoughts to God and keep my mouth shut. Of course, if they ask for an opinion, share it! However if they don’t, you need to trust that God is at work in their life, and He’s on it.
3. Be Grateful—Instead of seeing what your kids aren’t doing, thank God for what they are doing. For instance, you may only hear from your son every few weeks, but he’s holding down a job and taking care of a family. Be grateful and affirm him for what he’s doing and accept the pace of communication he has set.
4. Be Flexible with Communication—I talk to my two daughters several times a week, one of our sons we hear from once a week, another son once every few weeks, and our third son I hear from about once a month. All of these are NORMAL paces of communication. I’ve learned that accepting their different connection rhythms gives me peace.
5. Don’t Take Things Personally—Our kids now have lives of their own and are doing what they’re supposed to be doing as they carve out their own lives and maybe even start their own families. Give them the space and grace to do that. Don’t take it personally when it takes them three days to text you back. Forgive and give grace.
6. Help, but Don’t Enable—Resilience is built when we go through hard things. Some kids stumble their way into adulthood. If your child is one of those, resist the urge to bail them out. We enable when we do something for someone that they can do for
themselves. As moms, one of the most loving things we can do is let them know we believe they can figure this out!
7. Let go of Authority—You no longer are an authority in your child’s life. God is their authority now. Resist the urge to guilt, lecture or even hint at disappointment or
direction. You now belong to the “keep it shut” club. Take your fears, worries, and
concerns to God and be assured that He is at work.
8. Create Your Own Life as an Empty-Nester—Raising kids is just one season of life.
You’ve enjoyed that season and now you get to carve out a new one. Find a hobby or a volunteer opportunity where you can share your gifts and talents.
Become a mentor mom for a local moms group. If you haven’t worked outside the home in years, pursue a new career opportunity. If you’re married, reinvigorate your marriage with a weekly date night and weekend getaways for the two of you. When your kids see you living a full life, they feel free to live their own full lives.
One of my very favorite Bible verses for my empty nest season is Isaiah 43:19 from The Message:
“Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?”
Isaiah 43:19, MSG
Yes, there’s loss in the empty nest transition, but there’s so much more around the corner! As you embrace your new season of life and find a new rhythm of connection with your now-adult kids, God has so much in store for you!
(If you need help making this mindset shift—check out my free Empty Nest Mindset Messages Guide!)
Stand back and marvel at your kids and the lives they’re creating. Be willing to change and be flexible with the traditions that served you well for many years.
Cheer your kids on in their life journeys, even if there are parts that you’re concerned about and don’t agree with.
You can be an important part of their adult life in beautiful new ways. If you keep your hands and heart open in surrender, you’ll see God doing something new in you and through you!
Jill Savage is the author of Empty Nest Full Life and the host of the No More Perfect Podcast. As the founder of the Empty Nest Mom Retreat and the Empty Nest Full Life Online Course, Jill provides an array of resources for empty nest moms. You can learn more about Jill and her empty nest resources at www.EmptyNestBook.com.
