Last Updated on June 22, 2018
I hear from women all too often who struggle with body image, low self-esteem, and self-doubt, even in their marriage relationships. That’s not what God wants for you or for your marriage. When you look at yourself in the mirror, I want you to see yourself the way God sees you and the way your husband sees you. I am going to share my story with you, and maybe you can learn from my journey through mastectomy and from my worries about intimacy with my husband post-mastectomy.
One of the first things I fell in love with about my husband was his eyes. He has beautiful blue eyes, and in them I saw a peace and strength I couldn’t resist. I had no way of knowing then how important the look in his eyes would be to me 25 years into our marriage.
When I was first told that I was going to need a double mastectomy, I was initially shocked and scared about the surgery itself, and then I became scared about what the resulting scars would look like–what I would look like. I scoured the web for any information I could find on the subject. My family physician told me that compared to other surgeries, it wasn’t too bad. He said surgeries that go into a body cavity, like heart surgery or hip surgery, are much more invasive and much more difficult to recover from physically.
He also acknowledged that the emotional aspect could be significant. I searched all the Christian sites I could think of for information about how mastectomy might affect my married life, and I found nothing. I only had a week to decide whether to go for reconstruction, which would require more surgeries — moving muscles and fat from other parts of my body after my mastectomy — or whether to opt for wearing prosthetics after my surgery. It was all so overwhelming!
In the middle of all this confusion, my husband said an amazing thing to me. He said, “You’re my wife. I love you, and that’s never going to change. I didn’t marry you for your breasts.”
He had actually said this to me immediately after the doctor told me I was going to need a mastectomy, but in the shock of the moment, it hadn’t sunk in like it should have. Now it did. I let it all go — all the worries, all the stresses. I just trusted my husband to mean what he said, and I remembered that my breasts didn’t define who I was as a woman. I’m so much more than that. I am a daughter of God! I’m a wife. I’m a mom, a friend, a sister, and many other things. No surgery can remove those things. I decided to forgo reconstructive surgeries and go for the simpler process of wearing prosthetics after healing. I headed into surgery feeling pretty positive.
Just after my surgery, I had five or six drains — each the size and shape of a grenade — taped across my chest that would require almost constant draining, measuring, and care when I left the hospital and for weeks after that. My insurance would pay for a nurse to come to our house to do some of this, but my husband wanted to take care of the drains for me. I appreciated the thought behind his offer, but I was unsure about whether or not I was comfortable with him doing it because of the “ick” factor. It seemed very un-sexy and very unattractive. Not only is it hard for me to accept help from anyone, but I was unsure about having my husband actually looking at my wounds, bandages, scars, etc. But he wanted to do it for me, and he talked me into it. A nurse was going to have to teach him how to do this, if he was going to learn how to take care of me. He was going to see the results of my mastectomy before I did. I hadn’t anticipated that happening, and I was dreading the unveiling! The nurse came in to show him the procedure, and I felt quite helpless in the middle of their conversation. I didn’t even hear any of it. All I could focus on was my husband’s eyes.
I was locked on his eyes, watching for his reaction. All that was hanging in the balance was my self-esteem, how I knew he felt about me — everything! Would he be repulsed? Would he gag and run out? The nurse started her explanation, and she said, “Now, remember not to pull on this, or it will hurt her. …” (Okay, I heard that!) I watched his eyes the whole time, and he never flinched. He never looked away! He was just focused on the task at hand and how to take care of me. He was fine with the new me.
Now, how would I be with the new me? I’m not going to lie to you and say it was easy to go home from the hospital after surgery, look in the mirror, and say, “Oh, that’s not so bad!” It was a big change to my body. In fact, it probably took me a week to get up the nerve to actually look at myself. I was afraid to look.
Once it all healed up, though, it was time to get over myself. I looked in the mirror and thought, “I look like a skinny preadolescent boy!” And I did, sort of. Then I kept reminding myself what my husband said to me. I’m his wife, he loves me, and that’s never going to change! That helped so much. But I had to be okay with how I looked. God tells us, “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:3–4). I have physically never been a rocking beauty. And that’s okay. I diet, exercise, and take care of what I have. But beauty, according to God, is who we are to Him. The real me was still there.
After a few weeks, my surgeon said that it would be okay for us to resume our sexual relationship. I was still concerned about how it would go with my husband, if he would be okay with me as I am, post-mastectomy, and if I would be okay with intimacy.
But my concerns were wasted time. I should have trusted my husband more, and I should have rested in God’s Word: “‘Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble’” (Matthew 6:34). I had worried that my husband would not really be comfortable hugging me. I made a lame joke that when he hugged me, there was “nothing between us,” meaning that my chest no longer was “between us” and was making us stand slightly apart when we hugged. I couldn’t help but think of the Proverb that says to men, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, … Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:18–19). Clearly, my breasts couldn’t satisfy him. Since he doesn’t look at pornography, he would never see a woman’s breasts again! Open communication was needed, and it was the lifeline of our intimate relationship, the same as it is for every marriage. After we resumed intimacy, I simply asked him if he could still be happy with me, with my new body, and thankfully, he was. The insecurities were all mine, not his.
Still, to be completely honest, I wear tank tops, short nighties, lacy camisoles, or something on top — not for my husband’s sake, but for mine. I don’t want you to think more highly of me than you should. I am not overly fond of the scars I have. I was given a booklet before my surgery, and it contained some post-operative pictures of women; however, I don’t know if the pictures were air-brushed or what. I didn’t come out looking like any of the ladies in those pictures! But because it was a life-saving surgery, I probably shouldn’t ask any questions, right? Anyone with insecurities about body image can do something similar. Talk to your husband about how you feel. If you are shy, find a way still to be intimate with your husband and work with your shyness. Let your husband know how you feel so that he can be sensitive to your feelings as you work through them. Again, communication is the lifeline of any intimate relationship.
For all of you who struggle with body image issues, if you think you are overweight, too thin, too this, or too that, try to remember that your husband married you because he loves you. You are the one who is beautiful to him. He needs you to give yourself to him. Give yourself grace. The flaws, as you perceive them, are probably minuscule in comparison to what you’re missing if you allow them to take away from having an amazing, fulfilling sexual relationship with your man. Discuss your insecurities with him. Remember that outward beauty is a fleeting thing, and that real beauty is your inner self, a gentle and quiet spirit. And for me, I just keep reminding myself that I’m his wife, he loves me, and that’s never going to change. And I still love that peace and strength I first loved in his eyes!
My tip for you today is this: Send an email to your husband today — yes, today — and say, “Hey, babe, how about tonight we put some wear and tear on our marriage license?” And then be sure and follow through with it because as Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Blessings to you, and don’t forget to schedule your mammogram on a regular basis!
Sweet Suzanne- thank you for blessing us with the most intimate part of your life! You will encourage many women struggling with fear and body image issues!
Julia, I hope it's helpful! Body image issues are just plain tough, and we women can be so tough on ourselves!
I wish I could say my experience was the same as yours, but it was just the opposite. I had my mastectomy and reconstruction (one side) four years ago and my husband has not touched me since then. He says that part of our life is over. We didn't have much of a physical relationship before…he always said I was too fat, etc.so to be truthful, I never felt much like having an intimate relationship with him, either. Intimacy to me is more than physical…..it should include trust and caring and knowing that you're cared about regardless of whether or not you have gained ten pounds..When he got mad at me, he always called me names, and that made me angry, and resentful, not willing to be vulnerable and loving. I have prayed and continue to pray that he will change….but I also am lonely and frustrated and wonder if I am going to live the rest of my life without any physical intimacy. Please pray for me….
Katie, I am praying for you. I'm so sad to hear about these struggles in your marriage. Anything around the topic of intimacy is definitely going to be more challenging after a dramatic body change, like a mastectomy. BUT, God is always in the middle of our lives, in the middle of our marriages, holding out hope! God is the Redeemer, the Healer of relationships. I am praying for you and your marriage! Be encouraged!
Thank you for that encouraging word! As a 34 year old woman, I am facing a double mastectomy within the next couple of months. I appreciate your openness and honesty. Something I needed to hear today!! Blessing to you.
Julie, I'm not going to say it's fun, but I am here to say it was not the end of the world, either! I just said a prayer for you, and I will keep on praying for you over the next couple of months! BIG HUGS to you! I'm kind of hoping you will click on the "Get Help" spot and update me soon! – Suzanne
Thanks so much for your openness on such an important topic, Suzanne!
This is so wonderful to hear, but to be honest, made me very sad. My husband doesn't feel this way about me. My self esteem is very low since I put on weight in our marriage. Instead of saying I'm beautiful, he's told me I AM fat, and he's not attracted to me. He doesn't want to be intimate with me because I disgust him. I fear that even if I did lose weight I would still feel ugly in his eyes. It's a lot of weight on my shoulders to assume responsibility for the life or death of intimacy between us since everything is based on my physical appearance. Please pray for me. I don't believe in divorce therefore I feel trapped in a loveless marriage where I get told I'm ugly and fat.
Megan, I'm so sorry to hear this. Intimacy in marriage never depends on physical appearance, and it never depends on just one person. Real intimacy comes from the heart. Have you ever tried praying that your husband would be attracted to you? Have you told him that what he says does not motivate you, but it only hurts you? I will be praying for you. – Suzanne
My husband knows. He thinks it doesn't help anyone for him to pretend he's attracted to me. He also says it's his job to tell me I'm unattractive and need to lose weight because I'm sinning by being overweight. I'm not treating my body as a temple of God because I'm fat. I pray everyday for my own husband to see me as attractive and for him to tell me I'm pretty.
I feel your pain,….really…It is the same I feel. I'll pray for you, too….
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. I started to cry the Knute I started reading. Although, i haven't had a masectomy, I struggle with my body image. Sometimes, I feel good even beautiful, and then there's all of the other days where I struggle to see myself as beautiful. Growing up, I don't think I ever heard my mom or dad tell me that I was… And if they did I wish I remembered. About two years ago I finally heard my dad say it…actually he wrote it in a text… I cried… He still doesn't know that I did, but it meant a lot to me. Nowadays, I want to be able to accept and believe when my husband tells me I'm beautiful. I struggle… I wanna see myself like God does, I want to be pleasing to him.
Ivette, I think more women struggle with having a healthy body image than we could ever imagine! We compare ourselves to impossible standards, instead of the standards that God sets, which is that we should have a gentle and quiet spirit, with His help. I don't remember my parents ever telling me that I was beautiful, either, but, I'm okay with that, because, really, I can't change the way they were. I just have to accept it and go forward with my own family.
Thank you so much for this post; I have my 5th chemo tomorrow and a double mastectomy scheduled for May 11 following my recovery from six chemos for breast cancer. I am 34 and have a loving husband who has been by my side the whole time. I, too, struggle with how my husband will or will not accept me post-surgery. My doctor is encouraging me to have immediate reconstruction, but I am beginning to have some doubts about that. I am so thankful for our faith, for our marriage, and for our Weekend to Remember experiences that are helping us navigate this time in our marriage. Thank you for your transparency and honesty; it is so refreshing to hear about cancer from a Christian perspective. Blessings to you!
Hope your reconstruction went well….I never regretted having mine…..Most husbands of cancer survivors I have known have been very supportive and loving….
Thank you Suzanne for sharing your personal experiences openly and honestly – so helpful in many ways.
Thank you Suzanne for sharing your experience. It brought tears to my eyes.
I too have had a bilateral mastectomy. I am in the process of reconstruction and I am scheduled to have my expanders swapped out for implants in early May. I have been struggling with the issue of post mastectomy issue and I came across your post. Do you know of other resources or support groups that address the issue of intimacy after reconstruction? I would really like to get plugged in and connected because I feel like this is a major issue for me. Thanks!
This was very helpful to me i had a left mastectomy in 2009, and am scheduled for a right in september this year, i have opted against reconstrucion due to the time involved, and i have 2 small children to care for and my husband says he does not mind no breast as long as he has me, but i know how he once had a problem looking at pornography and i find it very hard to believe that he will stay with me long, he does not know i am aware of his pornography problem but i discovered several movies and magazines about 4 years ago, but have not seen any since my cancer diagnosis, i always have this worry aching in my heart but i know if i confront him he will get angry. I know I should turn it over to God, I just have a very low self image.
Amy, I am so sorry that you have to go through the mastectomies! I apologize for not responding earlier, but I have been out with some health issues, totally unrelated to mastectomy. Please try not to be overcome with your worries about your husband. There is a huge difference between looking at movies and magazines and the possibility of leaving you. I hope that you will have a conversation with your husband and give him the opportunity to put your fears to rest. You are a woman, a wife, the mother of his children, the one he loves! You're not a picture in a book. Please focus your precious energy on getting well physically, emotionally and spiritually. Close your eyes and feel the cyber-hug all of us at MomLife Today are giving you! – Suzanne
Thank you so much for sharing. Your story will be used in more ways than you could ever imagine.God bless!
Thank you so much for your candid account of your experience with your mastectomies. I, too, have had bil. mastectomies and will finish the reconstructive process this fall along with a preventative hysterectomy, I am 43. Cancer seems to bring all the problems in a marriage to a head. My being overweight (not obese) has been an issue for him for along time (he too is overweight). I have struggled so much with how I look being bald, then the mastectomies. My husband said pre-mastectomy (after chemo) “everything will be okay”, well, it’s not! He cannot look at me, did not help me with my drains, etc. He doesn’t even have to say anything to me anymore about his thoughts, it is written all over his face. I go to a support group, all older women in it, I am not willing to open up there. I went to a christian counselor for a time, it was a waste of time. She didn’t know what to do with me either. I cannot find a reputable site with help for my husband. I am so tired of feeling ugly and alone. I still feel so angry and sad for the loss. After so many tears I thought they would run out, but I seem to always have a fresh supply. I pray so much for peace. God saw me through the 6 rounds of chemo, I know HE will help me now. It is just such a long process to heal emotionally.
I would like to know how old the author of this article is. I think there may be a difference between an older woman who has already accepted changes in her body before a mastectomy vs people in younger decades who are still expected by their husbands to be sexually attractive. My husband helped with care afterward, so thanks for reminding me of that goodness. But sexual intimacy is a different thing, and my friends in their 40’s who had mastectomy had intimacy issues and then divorced. Dr. Susan Love says in her book the statistic is 70% of marriages fail afterward. I’ve never heard the same statistic for prostate or testicular cancer.
Dear MM, I am the author, Suzanne. I was 52 when I had my mastectomy experience. I was not familiar with Dr. Susan Love before I read your comment. I went online to read some of her materials. She calls herself an “activist,” but I’m not sure what that means. I do know, that statistics can be sliced and diced to say different things. I heard on a CBS news report just yesterday (Saturday) that 73% of first marriages in America today are making it all the way through life. No divorce at all. The divorce rate in our country is trending downward. That’s great news. I don’t know what the source of Dr. Love’s data was. I would want to see that.I question it. Is her data new data? Old data? Is it a broad database that is really representative of the whole population of mastectomy patients? Now, as for me, of course my body had gone through changes over 25 years of marriage. I had had 3 babies, I had already had 6 or 7 lumpectomies, so I had scars. Actually, some of them I got before we were married, so, my husband never saw me un-scarred. But, I still wanted to be attractive to my husband. I think that in our minds, we are as young as the day we got married. My husband tells me I’m beautiful, so I guess I believe him. But, I think the bigger, more important point is that whether it’s a mastectomy, a few extra pounds, a few too few pounds, acne, or just plain insecurity, women almost universally struggle with body image. Beauty is internal. Think about the Hollywood celebrities that set the standard for physical beauty, but their husbands cheat on them, or divorce them, for a younger, newer woman. Who can understand that? It means that physical beauty just doesn’t mean anything. What makes a marriage is the relationship between you and your husband, the vows you make to each other before God, the commitment, friendship, laughter, fun, conversation, the secrets you share, going through good times, bad times, praying together, shared memories, and ultimately, growing old together. Not that I’m ever going to get old, but, you know what I mean. 🙂 My mastectomy saved my life, and my husband would rather have me alive without my breasts than to lose me. I am praying for you, and for your marriage. If you would like to connect with me one-on-one by email, comment that you would, and we can make that happen. For now, I am praying, I promise. Blessings and hugs to you, from me.
Suzanne, My husband seemed very very supportive throughout chemo and during my mastectomy. But, as I healed, he became cold and distant. He grew critical if I cried, began demanding I resume household responsibilities within just two weeks, turned down meals and other help from friends. When I went through radiation, he interfered with plans for me to stay with family so I could be home to cook every night. (Radiation clinic was 60 miles away and my fatigue was getting extreme.) I think he is still mad at a friend who lived near the clinic who took things into her own hands and said I was to stay with her. These days I am slowly trying to put my life back together, but still have fatigue plus lymphedema. Between my missing breast and my hair growing back with bear spots and grey, I feel like I look like a freak. And even with the prothesis, many of my clothes don’t seem to fit right. I was laid off from my job and we have medical debts, but my husband refuses to stick to a budget, but insists since he is earning all the money that he can spend whatever he wants on his hobbies ($440 just this month, plus I’m not sure how many hundreds in December). He still insists on taking off work to go to all my appointments, but now it is because he says I cannot be trusted to remember things. (Ironically, I have called the oncologist several times because he insisted I remembered something wrong and it turned out I was right.) He shows zero affection. Last kiss I got was New Year’s at midnight. He can’t stand to hold me. He will occassionally give me a crumb and tell me I look nice when I am all dressed up, but I want to hear I am loved and I want to be touched. When I tried to discuss this with him, he told me if I think I need hugs and kisses, then I need to either take antidepressants or see a psychiatrist. I keep praying, but things seem to be getting worse. He won’t even share a bedroom with me. He tells lies to our daughters about me. (For some reason, he refuses to talk to our son at all.) By the way, from about two weeks after the surgery on, I have avoided crying around him at all except for once when I was in extreme physical pain from the lymphedema, because he seems so angry if I do. I keep praying. I try to be patient and sweet, but occassionally I blow it. I feel there is no love or respect for me. I do not feel like a wife. I do not even feel like he still sees me as a woman. Incidently, he insists he is a Christian, but does not attend church because they are all hypocrits and none of the churches are doing what they should. He does not read his Bible because he knows it all. He will not even say the blessing at the table. He won’t go to counseling because he “isn’t the problem.” We already had problems, but my mastectomy has made them so much worse I sometimes wonder if it would have been better to die instead. And I honestly feel, if he suddenly does an about face after they eventually allow reconstruction, that I will be unable to forgive him. I feel I am at the end of my rope. And what happened to the guy who was actually sweet and caring during chemo and the first couple of weeks after surgery?
Elizabeth, I am so sorry to read all this. There is so much pain in your words. It just made me cry. Physical pain, disappointment, betrayal. BUT, you know it wouldn’t have been better to die, so don’t say that again, please. You have three children who need you, so, please do not say that to them, either. God is still good. You said that you try to be patient and sweet, but occasionally you blow it. Well, sweetie, we ALL blow it sometimes! That does not give your husband a license to be mean or cruel. It could be that your mastectomy exacerbated problems that existed before your mastectomy. I want to encourage you to scroll up the page to where it says, “Moms, we all need someone to help us walk through life. Do you want someone to pray for you…” If you click on that box, someone will write directly back confidentially! Me! So, do that, and I’ll be in touch!
I’ve seen a few men who are wonderful and supportive, but I seem to have seen more who fall along this line with Elizabeth’s husband. I remember early on, after my MX and reconstruction that went wrong, a good friend told me that after her mom died she was very depressed, but after a few weeks her husband and sons were angry that she was still depressed and not taking care of them the way she did before. I feel that sometimes after mastectomy the husband has this same feeling of anger that the wife isn’t the same, and about the burdens put on him and the whole family. I do understand that it is indeed hard on them, but it’s not fair that the woman should put aside her own physical and emotional trauma. It takes a long time to get over those things, and sometimes there are permanent changes; she can’t be expected to be exactly the same person she was before. And these hurtful actions by husbands (and other family members sometimes) are a double whammy to a woman who has already been injured by cancer. Perhaps if our society didn’t “pinkwash” things and make everyone think that BC is no big deal, there would be a more accurate portrayal and more realistic expectations. And frankly, Suzanne, I think you should feel very lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive husband. It’s too bad they aren’t all that way– I’m sure such love and support can only aid in healing and giving a woman strength to make it through, both physcially and emotionally. Elizabeth, you are strong enough to have taken charge and taken off a part of your body to fight for life. You are to be admired for that and I wish more husbands truly admired their wives the way they should after this. But sex and sexuality and looking perfect are what is promoted in our society, over admirable traits like courage.
I too will be getting a double mastectomy on the 29th of october. I am 29yrs old and afraid that my fiance will not be able to look at me. He has already said he doesnt want to see it after surgery but I’m afraid that he will have to because I don’t thinl I will be able to empty my drains alone and change bandages.
Cassandra, I’m so sorry you are facing this. It may be more than you can handle to empty your drains on your own. Will your insurance pay for a nurse to come by your house sometimes? Or, do you have family nearby? You’re so young to have to go through this. But, God is good, and He will get you through this. There is a place to “Find Help” on the homepage, and you can send me an email through that button. I will respond there. I am praying for you, and I will keep the 29th on my calendar, to pray for your surgery to go well, and for you to recover quickly. I am also going to pray for your fiancé to handle the idea of it well. – Suzanne
Thank you for this! I am 28, I was 26 when I had my bilateral mastectomy. I am still struggling with my body image in intimacy with my husband. With clothes on I feel pretty normal, but in the bedroom it’s more difficult. My husband is great and supportive and tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am, but that doesn’t really change the way I see my self…my chest. I want to let go of my insecurity and my vanity but it isn’t easy. I let it go, give it all to God and then next thing you know I take it all back again. Never ever thought this (these feelings) would be the hardest part of having breast cancer. I mean, I know the date my last treatment is scheduled for (I’m still in treatment because I had a reoccurrence since the bilateral mastectomy I had a couple years ago) but there is no end date to my feelings about my chest and I’m not going to grow new breasts like I’m growing new hair. Some days It seems I can’t help but mourn the loss of my breasts…this is one of those days. Enough of the pity party for myself! Overall just really happy to be alive to take care of my three kid! Ecstatic that I got married young and had all the babies I wanted before all the breast cancer. Thrilled to have an awesome husband and very supportive friends and family. God is getting me through this and I am super blessed!
Suzanne,
Thank you for your article. I was diagnosed with breast cancer this past July. I will be having my mastectomy Feb 3, as long as there aren’t anymore complications. I really needed to read this and get a christian ladies perspective-from one who’s “been there”. I’ve always dealt with body issues, but the mastectomy put a whole new spin on things! Thank you once again!!
Trusting God completely; fighting cancer aggressively!
You’re welcome, Karin. I will be praying for you between now and February 3! I hope and pray that you “get” to have the surgery then, and not have to put it off. It’s not fun, but it’s not the end of the world, either. If you need to “talk” with me after your surgery, please feel free to email me at social@familylife.com. I’m always here to pray for you and to connect with you. I dealt with body issues as a young adult, also. It’s all perspective, I am afraid. The main thing is to remember, that our beauty comes from who we are, and the price that God paid for us, the value the places on us, not what we see in the mirror, or what we think we see in the mirror. God bless you with peace and comfort. Suzanne
Thanks, I needed this!
Debbie, I’m glad to hear it was helpful to you. Feel free to email me at social@familylife.com. Suzanne
Wow. That is a beautiful post. My wife lost both of her breasts to cancer 3 years ago now. I didn’t know myself how I would feel about it, but looking back I’m thankful she didn’t get reconstruction done, as I’ve fallen in love with the scars. I was just looking online to see if other men felt the same.
Thank you for your story. Very encouraging. 5 years ago I had one done. With a immediate reconstruction. So I never say myself breast less. My struggles now are they are different. I feel they are not as important to him like they use too. I grieve sometimes the past. I know I am truly blessed to still have him and my family regardless. My confusion is how to I get myself to feel that sexiness.
Thank you so much for your article..I had a left mastectomy five years ago.I am getting married this weekend and we are both Christians…I was so nervous about showing my scars but now I feel better about it
We recently went through the double mastectomy. I say we because, we’re in this together, although it was her decision, I stand by her all the way to the end. Not only does Jennifer have to go through this amputation, but, do it with the burden of having the decease of MS.
It’s now been a week since her reconstruction, I can’t believe how strong and courageous she is! As I comment on this, she’s in her bed in a lot of pain and trying to sleep. We’ve been through so much together, 20 years of great sex, pain, suffering, having two beautiful children and so much more that there’s just no room for it in this comment section.
I ramble, sorry. I love her for everything that she is. As far as the mastectomy, I drained her every time it was needed. I don’t look at her any different than when she was 20 years old. All I have to do is hear her voice and my feelings for her are refreshed.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Bill
What struck me about your story is how much trust you put in your husband, how much you let him into your journey and experience with cancer.
I have your husband’s eyes. My wife is the love of my life. We found each other just as we’d each turned 50, blended families, and have been married for more than 10 years. I look at her with even more love and certainly the same passion as I did when we first met 15 years ago.
But four years ago, she lost interest in sex, and therefore any kind of intimacy. So when she was diagnosed with cancer this past year, and recently underwent a double mastectomy, she wouldn’t let me help her with drains, let alone see her undressed, despite the fact that, like your husband, I told her that I would always love her, always desire her, no matter what. I think she’s beautiful, and have told her so.
While I miss making love to her, it’s intimacy that I miss most, physical and emotional closeness. I wish more women would read and benefit from your story. Most of all, I wish my wife would realize that she’s not only depriving me, but depriving herself of much of the joy that comes with marriage to one you love.
It took me a long time to accept my bilateral mastectomy, due to poor surgery I was not suitable for reconstruction, my surgeon told me I should be grateful for no longer having breast cancer. My husband has not wanted sex with me either.