Thanksgiving 2015 was a bit different for our family. My husband Mark and I spent the day without any of our five children. Did it feel a little odd? Definitely. But was it the right decision for everyone? We believe so.
Our oldest daughter and her husband alternate between his family and ours for holiday celebrations, and that year Thanksgiving was with his side. Our oldest son, who lived in California at the time, simply couldn’t make the trip due to financial constraints. Our middle daughter, along with her husband and our granddaughter, had commitments to two other family gatherings with his relatives.
Our fourth child had plans to celebrate with friends. And while our youngest son and his fiancé were willing to join us, we chose to offer them the gift of zero expectations so they could fully enjoy the day with her family.
Instead of gathering all our children, Mark and I opted to travel a couple of hours to spend the holiday with our own parents.
I have a deep love for the holidays, but not more than I love my family. I cherish traditions, but never more than the people who make those traditions meaningful.
So often, the biggest “gift” exchanged during the holidays is guilt. Sometimes, the most loving act we can offer our family is freedom from pressure and expectation.
Jill Savage
Rather than gathering around the table for turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie on the official Thursday holiday, we enjoyed a more relaxed family get-together the previous weekend with whoever could make it. Pizza and games replaced the traditional spread, and everyone who came had a wonderful time.
Christmas empty nest traditions
As for our Christmas empty nest traditions, instead of stressing over one particular day, we meet on whatever day works for the most people—before or after the holiday—over a flexible, fun meal that suits everyone.
If the family doesn’t gather on the holiday itself, finding new ways to celebrate and use the day may be necessary so you don’t feel left out of celebrations.
Some empty nest parents take a trip, others host a holiday meal for other singles or couples who will be alone, others serve at a soup kitchen, and still others embrace a quiet day at home enjoying a break from routine.
One of the most challenging parts of parenting adult children is embracing change. As they grow older, marry, and form new families, their circles of relationships expand. Their obligations shift, and so must ours.
These days, I find myself saying things like:
- “We totally understand. It’s not about celebrating on the day itself; we’ll find another time that works better!”
- “Your well-being is our priority. We don’t want to add to your stress by imposing our own expectations. If you can make it, we’ll be delighted, but if not, that’s perfectly okay.”
- “I love you, no matter what. Do what’s best for your family’s peace of mind, and know that my love for you doesn’t depend on your presence at a specific celebration.”
This holiday season, consider giving a powerful gift—the gift of freedom. Freedom from expectations. Freedom to prioritize peace. Freedom to celebrate in ways that work best for everyone. Your loved ones will be deeply grateful!
Read this next: When Adult Children Miss Holiday Dinners
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Jill Savage is an author and speaker who is passionate about encouraging families. She is the author or co-author of fourteen books including ‘Real Moms…Real Jesus’, ‘No More Perfect Moms’, and her most recent release, ‘Empty Nest Full Life.’ Download your free Empty Nest Full Life Journal at JillSavage.org/journal.
