Marriage Sucks (the Selfishness Right Out of Me)
No one said it was going to be easy. As a matter of fact, I myself said, “For better or for worse.” The problem … I didn’t know worse was going to happen in simple, everyday life; I thought worse was only going to happen if I wrecked the car, someone got sick, or we experienced a financial setback.
Who knew “worse” was going to be that my husband has this tendency to go through life selfishly thinking of only himself and his needs? Ahem … who knew I did the same? Uh … maybe the creator of the universe and maybe that’s why He chose marriage as the vehicle to wring selfishness out of us. The squeezing, pushing, and sucking during the wringing process, at times, leaves me about ready to snap and give up.
But then there’s that whole vow thing — that whole commitment before my family and friends … and God. When I was standing up there in that beautiful, white satin dress, holding the cascading bouquet of white lilies, and looking at that young, handsome, “he’s so wonderful” man, those vows were easy.
Now? Well, now there’s life every day … the day after day after day kind of life. He’s tired all the time. He needs time to unwind (without me by his side); he prefers projects that require power tools over long talks while gazing into my eyes. Go figure? His idea of romance is not necessarily my idea of romance. His idea of a fun night is a quick meal and relaxing together on the couch, watching a movie that includes lots of explosions. Yeah, that’s not the better part of marriage; that would be the daily worse part of marriage I’m talking about here, friends! The worse that slowly eats away at “feeling” love.
Then, for me, there’s lowdown dirty worse, things like I’m going to be home late again, excuse me my phone just buzzed, where’s dinner, can we stop talking now I’d rather read my book, this house looks a bit dirty what did you do today, did you exercise today, can you make the kids be quiet, did I tell you I was going on a business trip tomorrow. … You get it, moms, am I right?
This godly man, who is so amazing and who I love unswervingly, has moments when I wonder if he remembers that I am his wife and if he remembers full well how he is supposed to treat me.
It’s not the “big things” that make marriage suck (the self right out of me); it’s the aforementioned small things. It’s the me-not-getting-my-way things and the things not being done for me the way I want them. If you ever doubted you were selfish, marriage will prove it. And let’s admit it: if faced with your own selfishness, the first thing you are going to do is stare at your spouse and point out his selfishness. Who wants to place blame on themselves willingly, realize their own faults, and face their own sin? Not too many of us.
It was easy for me to list his worse a few paragraphs ago … not so easy to list mine. But here goes, the daily selfish phrases I utter that no doubt frustrate my hubby; I’ll be there in a minute I’m on the phone, do you even know how to load a dishwasher, my friend is such a better listener than you are, you should take the car to the shop that’s your job, I have no plan for dinner, I thought you fixed that, can anybody around here clean besides me, no I don’t know where it is … you are the one who didn’t put it back where it goes, I thought I’d let you do that for me, I’m fine (huff, huff), I told you so, I am so tired — all I want to do is sleep. And last but most effectively used — silence … for a really long time.
I’m sure there are more, but you get the idea. Selfishness and me, me, me is the worse of the whole “for better or worse,” but it’s so much easier to see his each day rather than mine.
On the daily grind of “worse,” we need to accept the cold hard fact that sometimes being married sucks (the self right out of you) but recognize that’s the way God designed it so you would change and realize the world does not revolve around you.
Oh yeah … I went there … because I need to be reminded of that fact!
Sometimes a girl just needs friends she can talk to, friends she can share these worse MOMents with!
You can ask someone to pray for you if it’s a “big worse” (wrecked car, sickness, finances), but how do you look at someone and explain your “everyday worse?” Excuse me, “My spouse is being awful to me, and I just want to run away for a week; will you pray for me?” Wouldn’t that just start the tongues wagging and wouldn’t that be just totally unloving and unChristian-like, not to mention the damage it would do to your spouse’s rep.
It is not my desire to husband-bash … I actually am dead set against that. But sometimes I just need to share the everyday worse and know that it’s safe and that someone will pray for me!
Can anyone else relate?!
Who CAN'T relate! And love the title. So true. What a mirror marriage is! Oh, and kids. That mirror shows us exactly what we look like on the inside and if I'm being honest, its selfish and nasty more than I care to admit.
Oh…I can relate!! Thank you for being so “real”, Tracey!
GREAT post, Tracey. you nailed it.
Of course I can understand. I think you wrote this well. Sometimes husbands don’t always understand and us wives can do the same thing.
Many thanks for your encouragement and understanding of my point with this post! Blessings to you all! Tracey
Thanks for your honesty! It always helps to know I’m not alone. Thanks for the reminder that my pointing out his selfishness is usually a sign of my own.
So…my friend, you just had a God/Brick MOMent!!! Happens to me frequently! Big Hug and Blessings to you!
I LOVE THIS POST! I am brand new to this website…God revealed this website to me while I was crying out to him in guidance with this exact issue. I am a stay at home mother of 4 wonderful young men, and a wife to a wonderful man! There have been days where I don’t know how much more I can take…I long for quiet alone time other than the middle of the night lol. Thank you so much for posting this, it was exactly what I needed to read…and that I am not alone in this some days! I praise God for a website like this!
Welcome Lindsey! It sure blesses me to know that the Lord led you here this very day and that He allowed my words to pierce your heart! Isn’t it awesome that He loves us personally and shows us in just such ways! Allow me to give you an internet Hug and may you be blessed today! Tracey
This is so true. There are days when I get so busy with my stuff (house, kids, dog, etc.), that I have no time for my husband. That is when I stop to remind myself that without the husband I wouldn’t have the kids, house, dog, etc.!
Welcome Arlee – thanks for sharing your thoughts with us! Our children seem to love nothing more than watching hubby and I love each other – So I agree with you that making time for hubby is important! Blessings to you, Tracey
Wow! A friend of mine introduced this website to me just yesterday. Reading this was like literally reading my journal! Thank you so much for sharing! It is an awesome thing to be able to 'talk' with other women and pray for one another! I am truly blessed to have been able to read your post.
Liz, I'm so glad you stopped by! We're thrilled to have you join us! I hope you will share with us if there is anything we can pray for you. Blessings, Katie
It's funny i'm going thru this right now and a friend also recommended this to me because i also felt the same way and also felt like my life is on pause. It's great to know I'm not the only one, I knew I knew I wasn't but never was able to talk to anyone about it. because I didn't want to sound like I was bashing my husband.
Hey Dana – Woo hoo and thank the Lord for caring friends who point us to encouragement! You are so not the only one. Just this morning I was murmuring under my breath about a husband thing and that still small voice whispered. I hope the words "My Marriage Sucks – the self right out of me" fly through your head (as it does mine) during just the right moments! Just prayed for you Dana! (If you need more practical help there are lots of resources out there!)
Oh, yes ma'am, I certainly can relate. That's why marriage takes so much work. I've gotten better, but I still need to work on that selfishness. Thanks for the post!
This is nice to know and I'm a guy; not married (Whoo hoo) just kidding ha, ha. Seriously ladies keep up the good work.
WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I seriously thought I was the only one!!!! YES I relate lol. You have really brought things into perspective for me. I mean, I know all these things, but it doesn’t make it any easier to live by them. It puts a whole new spin on “Pick up your cross and follow Me” ,as well as we have to get up every morning and “die to ourselves”. ( Praise God for His Word to guide us each day! Those are my worst days when I get halfway through them and remember I haven’t spent time with Him yet!) Being good wives ( and good moms too for that matter) is not easy at times, but God never promised us it would be; hence the phrase for better or for worse. We also might want to remind ourselves that no matter how ugly things get down here, we are, as children of God, in a place we don’t belong. We’re not Home yet, yay! And things will get ugly, especially in our families, because satan hates a God fearing home. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this. It reminds me that I am just as wrong and just as selfish sometimes, just like satan wants me. Well, I got news for him, I’ve just been revamped by God’s grace. This is God’s house and we are part of God’s family, I refuse to settle with anything less than what God deserves in my duties as a wife and mother. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!
Amen sister! I appreciate you sharing your perspective – and thank you for encouraging me right back with your words above! Keep striving for God’s best and may the Lord bless you and yours! Big Hug – Tracey
I seriously just asked myself in the mirror today why God created marriage? So my husband could be rude and selfish to me anytime he wants? & you know what….God listened. He helped me find your blog today. & for that I said thank you to Him, because He always gives me what I need 🙂 Now, thank you( & bless you) for writing this! God is using you as an instrument for so many housewives and that is such a noble purpose.
Yes, I can truly relate to what you are saying 😉
Wow! Relate, of course. This is so great. And God is so great, and He knew just what He was doing when he gave us these great guys, and kids to grow us in His grace. The thing I love is that I didn’t realize until I read this that it’s not the big things, we weather those storms holding hands, but these little things, they sure try to tear us apart. But when you talk about them, well then it’s something out there that we can see, and then fight the enemy of our souls, and not each other. And, in our Father’s great wisdom, He usually gives you at least one dear sister in Christ, that you can say, “I’m having a worse day, will you love me anyways? And she will, and she will pray for you, cuz she knows she will have those days too. So, isn’t God great to give us all we need? Especially Him. Because, He really loves His girlies. 🙂
Omg! Sooooooo trueeeeeeee
I agree with you one hundred percent! I catch myself in the middle of my hurtful things and regret it… But how do we become a stronger wife, best friend, and person? It is one of the hardest things to do when you dont know if its just your bad day at work, you being your worst critic, or the obvious the lack of God. I know I need him more in my life and some strong girls to lean on and bounce back support and advice; instead of pulling my husband down. What moments are hardest for everyone else? How do you get over them or resolve them?
holy cow that is just what i needed thanks i love love love this!!! I cryed relizing my everyday faults. Please pray for me friend and all wives who do this lol as i am sure u do already. thank you so much for this article.
Pure Awesomeness 🙂
I have read your message today about 5 times, shared it with all my friends at work ( about 4 other moms) and can’t wait to read it again when I get home from work!!!! Oh it is such a great feeling to know I am not the only one who wonder if I am ” the bad one” of the relationship. Your post was like an oasis for my soul…. Thank you again!!!
I know that I tend to be selfish and I have been praying for God to help me with this and trying hard not to say things that would hurt my spouse but how do you find joy and contentment when it seems to be one sided? I know my husband loves me but he is totally consumed with running a business right now and has forgotten how to be a husband. This has been going on for over 9 months and has been a reoccurring problem in our 8 years of marriage.