What To Do When They Won’t Talk
Sitting at a local restaurant, we talked over lunch. It was one of those God ordained afternoons where I was about to glean from three women who are a little bit older than I am. I took advantage of the time and began asking questions! God met me there, through those three women. I am so thankful!
The question: How do you get your adult son to talk?
I have a son and a daughter. I “get” my daughter! She is a girl. I am a girl. I know how girls think! She tells me everything. I am never left guessing! My son, on the other hand, can be somewhat of a mystery to me! He is more quiet and private. When he talks, I get the “outline version” of what has happened, when what I want is the five-page, minute-by-minute commentary!
This was the topic of conversation that day over lunch! These three experienced moms, all who had sons, shared with me how they prayerfully pursue their adult sons, and purposefully pursue a relationship with them!
Jeanne said: When her sons are at the dinner table, she has each one share something that is going on in his life. Just one thing. Then at least she gets them to talk, and she knows a little bit about what is going on in their lives and minds. She also texts them regularly.
Stephanie said: She looks for ways to “disarm” them and then works conversation in more naturally that way. Pull them into a game, or some activity that they enjoy, and then start conversation. It becomes a more natural way of sharing than just sitting down and trying to pull answers out of them. She also shared how taking them out for a meal is helpful. When food is involved, she has a captive audience!
Nancy reminded us that we need to pray regularly and look for opportunities to engage in conversations with our adult sons. When we are intentional about building relationships with them, and prayerful, God will provide those opportunities.
They all reminded me of what a battle these young men are in. We live in a culture that is bombarding our sons with images and messages that fight against everything God wants for them. If they are fighting for physical and mental purity, the battle is intense for a man! They are trying to figure out what they are supposed to do with their lives, how to handle relationships, and have the ever present battle with the flesh. It is hard! We, as moms, need to be on our knees praying for our sons, standing beside them helping them in their battle, and purposely pursuing them so they know we are there for them when they do want to talk.
I left that lunch date inspired, armed, and ready to love and serve my son! I left reminded of how important it is to pray for him regularly and excited to look for opportunities to engage in conversation with him!
I am so thankful for women who are willing to share their lives and wisdom with me! Aren’t you?
How do you pursue your adult son?
I already have a PRESCHOOL son who won’t tell me what he does when is away from me (church, preschool, etc.)…so I can only imagine what it will be like when he gets to be a teenager! Thanks for the suggestions, Gina! 🙂
Oh, Jenae! It does begin when they are so young! It’s so hard for us girl/moms to understand!! LOL Keep up the good work pursuing them at this young age!! You are a wonderful mommy!!!
big hug!
They are so young but they are “boys” and they just like their fathers think like boys…Remember one thing and that is they do not think like we do…so they can not read our minds….Just try to be honest with them what you really need from them even at 4 or at 20 or 50…Saying something as simple as…I sure miss you when you are away…if you could tell me something about your day it would help make me feel happier…As a parent you also need to remember to share something about your day….but not as a my turn now your turn act but simple as a living example of how to share a part of your self with someone you care about.. And when they do share try not to judge, solve or scold just listen and be empathetic/understanding to the good or bad news they share…you are curious how they felt…how they reacted….and the future out come…
I am a mom of 1 boy and 3 girls. Boys are much more reserved than girls to talk about their feelings. I have been open and honest with all of our children since they were able to talk. With our son (19 years) I just randomly tell him things like “I /we are so proud of you.”, “I love you.”, and “How did we ever get so lucky to have such a wonderful son.””
Yes, food favorites is always another key to their heart and gaining additional closeness! Even when they may say they don’t want to know, always try to communicate to them..they are listening and notice!
[…] What to do When They Won’t Talk – This summer someone complained to me that my son didn’t talk enough. She had the opportunity to be the first to see him after work, to be around him for his evening but complained to me that he didn’t talk enough and she read that as a bad attitude, or communicating that he didn’t want to be there. She’s a mom of 3 girls. Moms with boys will understand that you can’t simply ask a boy, “How are you?” because they will always be “fine”. Anything you ask is likely to be answered with a one-word answer, or at least as few words as possible. Men are efficient. Yet, those who prayerfully pursue the boys in their lives are generally rewarded. This is a great post for those moms who have boys… or others who want to build a relationship with the boys in their lives. […]
My college age son who lives at home dated a girl for 3 years and they were engaged to be married. He recently decided to “think things through”. Needless to say she’s crushed. He has basically just left her hanging and there was not a lot of communication. He is and always has been a good son with his studies a high priority. I, as his mother am also crushed. She is/ was a part of our family and I love her like my own. I have grieved right beside her. I have been hard pressed to find someone to understand the deep grief I have felt over this. I believe in my heart that he cares for her. This one has me stumped because she is seeking the Lord and loves my son. She has forgiven him and understands that he might not be ready for a commitment. I Pray for them both unceasingly. I know God knows best but I am still praying for her to be the one until my heart is turned another way. It is so hard to have faith and trust in the dark.