Learning to Trust Again
“Mom, I’m just so scared God won’t answer my prayer since He didn’t answer my prayers for Grandma,” my daughter sobbed. I was shocked out of my reassuring answer. She had just verbalized my hidden fear. When my mom had cancer we pleaded for healing, a miracle, but she still died. Finding my voice again, I shared what I knew I should say but had a hard time convincing my heart of: “Grandma was healed and given a new cancer-free body in heaven. Our prayers were answered. Just not the way we had pictured.”
Now we were facing another huge potential loss. The court date for our daughter, whom we had fostered for 21 months, was approaching and we knew that the recommendation to the court was to move her to a relative’s home. “God, can I trust you with my fear? My pain? My family? My baby girl?” I was struggling with feelings of betrayal. I knew that God loved me. I knew that He is sovereign, that He can see the ‘big picture.’ I also knew that He is not a genie, granting my every wish. Just because I believe and follow Jesus does not mean that my life is without pain. I realized that I trusted Him with the everyday details of my life but was scared to trust with the larger issues.
God responded to my fear as any gentle Father would. He spoke to me while I read the Bible, through worship songs at church and through friends encouraging me. He would walk with me and comfort me through trials, in the courtroom and out. If we had to say goodbye to our baby girl, He would watch over her and grieve with us. He reminded me that He is good, always good. I can trust in His sovereignty. And no matter what happens to me on earth, I will spend eternity with Him and my mom.
The morning of the court date dawned with a peace in my heart that defied human effort. I knew that I could trust my Father with this day, regardless of the outcome. So how did the day turn out? Well, that’s another story for another day. Stay tuned.
Whenever I have trouble trusting God, it helps to ask myself "Who is smarter, God or me?" and I always realize that God knows so much more than me. Then I tell myself over and over that God is good and he has a plan for my future. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Oooh, I like that question! Thanks for sharing- I'm gonna write that one down 🙂
Walking through this with you in real life I had many of the same thoughts–the need for openhandedness and kind of a "not my will but Yours" continual decision. What a privilege for you to have such eternal, heart-level conversations of this nature with your kids.
P.S. It's a blessing to me to hear how God was so faithful to you (and the rest of us praying) even before this was resolved…kind of a blessed wrestling :), if I dare to say that…!
thank you, sweet friend! Your prayers have made a huge difference in my life and I know you can relate to the openhandedness with your life!
Thank you so much for this post. We are now in much the same situation with our baby boy. We've had him since he was only a month old, and his birth parents went almost 7 months with no contact….until the week before our last court date. Now they are again having visits, etc, but their lifestyle is so chaotic, drugs and violence, etc. Now expecting another baby…. and now offering names of relatives to be considered. I used to cry when they missed a visit, now it makes me want to cry if they show up. We return to court in 5 weeks, and the process of TPR is supposed to start, but we go back and forth with our emotions- wishing they could finally change and become what God made them to be, yet, he became our son, and we became his mommy & daddy. The idea of losing him tears my heart to pieces. How do we pray for both our baby to stay with us, and the birthparents to know God and start living for Him? To make matters worse, we have moved and are looking for a church near our home, so have very little support or even people to turn to at this time…. but I will trust my Father that made us all, and loves us all. He will hold us up no matter what.