Learning to Trust Again
“Mom, I’m just so scared God won’t answer my prayer since He didn’t answer my prayers for Grandma,” my daughter sobbed. I was shocked out of my reassuring answer. She had just verbalized my hidden fear. When my mom had cancer we pleaded for healing, a miracle, but she still died. Finding my voice again, I shared what I knew I should say but had a hard time convincing my heart of: “Grandma was healed and given a new cancer-free body in heaven. Our prayers were answered. Just not the way we had pictured.”
Now we were facing another huge potential loss. The court date for our daughter, whom we had fostered for 21 months, was approaching and we knew that the recommendation to the court was to move her to a relative’s home. “God, can I trust you with my fear? My pain? My family? My baby girl?” I was struggling with feelings of betrayal. I knew that God loved me. I knew that He is sovereign, that He can see the ‘big picture.’ I also knew that He is not a genie, granting my every wish. Just because I believe and follow Jesus does not mean that my life is without pain. I realized that I trusted Him with the everyday details of my life but was scared to trust with the larger issues.
God responded to my fear as any gentle Father would. He spoke to me while I read the Bible, through worship songs at church and through friends encouraging me. He would walk with me and comfort me through trials, in the courtroom and out. If we had to say goodbye to our baby girl, He would watch over her and grieve with us. He reminded me that He is good, always good. I can trust in His sovereignty. And no matter what happens to me on earth, I will spend eternity with Him and my mom.
The morning of the court date dawned with a peace in my heart that defied human effort. I knew that I could trust my Father with this day, regardless of the outcome. So how did the day turn out? Well, that’s another story for another day. Stay tuned.