Last Updated on March 20, 2018
On the flight home from the FamilyLife Speaker’s Retreat last year, Ray and I talked about praying, again, to look into adoption. I loved how God had, surprisingly increased our family two years ago with Ryland through the gift of adoption. I just didn’t want him to be the only adopted child in a family with eight biological children. So in February, I was surprised to learn that, indeed, our family would increase … I was pregnant.
I asked the Lord for a baby, not a pregnancy. I was astounded because this was NOT in my plans. I was 47 years old. So in the week to follow, I couldn’t believe this was my lot for the next nine months. Morning sickness, shortly thereafter, let me know this was indeed a reality, and I better begin preparing for this new little McKelvy.
I began planning for this new baby, but never did I plan for this pregnancy to end. But on February 24, our child was with the Lord, and we were left with sad hearts and empty arms. Just as this baby came to us with surprise and disbelief, he or she left us the same way. The death of this baby left a big hole in my heart.
This was my 7th miscarriage, so I probably shouldn’t have been so shocked; but each loss is very devastating to me. The days of bed rest so that the cramping and spotting would stop. The big question: what’s wrong with my body? The hormones, sweats, and tears, sometimes heavy, sometimes all day, sometimes months later, many at odd times, sometimes just one. And just when I think I can move on, my due date rolls around. That’s when I notice the cry of the newborn at the mall, the growing crowd at church over another mom’s new birth, or the new mom with baby in tote at the grocery store. I then realize the effects of my loss are with me forever.
Death is normally not the chosen topic of conversation. Often times we are forced to talk about it because of the loss of someone we love. If the person who has passed away has lived a long life, we are thankful for the time we had with them and usually have fond memories we can express about them. When children pass away, we can think about their smiles, their gestures, their kisses, the cute personalities that made them who they were, no matter how short the life. But the aspect of death that has been so difficult to talk about, for me, is miscarriage. There is no long life; most miscarriages happen before anyone can even tell the mom-to-be was pregnant. To everyone around you, there is no tangible reminder of this loss of life.
There is one comforting thing about my miscarriages; I am not alone. In the United States alone, 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I know every day I pass another mom in the grocery store, at the school, or at a stoplight who has gone through this very same thing.
To help me out while I recuperate, my church family has cleaned my home, washed my clothes, and made us more spaghetti meals than I could imagine. (I never knew that the same dish could be made in so many different ways.) My family and in-laws have called or stopped by just to “hug me.” These visits temporarily soothe the pain, like an ointment on a wound that still needs time to heal. The old saying goes, “Time heals all wounds,” but miscarriage is a wound that will never completely heal.
To the many women who experience this, there are many defining moments in this journey. There is the moment of realizing you are carrying a new life inside of you: the surprise, shock, anger, or happiness. No matter how you are processing this pregnancy, your body has already begun preparing to house this new life.
God also gives you friends, family, and others who want to give you advice to make it all better. With my first miscarriage, one of the mothers from the church came up to me and said, “Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but God never intended us to breed like dogs.” (I guess because this was my third pregnancy in three years, I was a breeder). Another well-intended friend thought my cramping shouldn’t take as long as it had; “After all, you weren’t that far along.”
I have learned to examine the intent of the heart of those who offer me words. I know when I miscarry, I am very hormonal. The words said by those who love me may come across as uncaring because of my abnormal hormones or maybe because they are not great at saying comforting words. Whatever the case, I know they have taken out the time to console me, and for that I am grateful.
God has never allowed me to experience the pain of miscarriage without learning more about His goodness. I have learned many things by saying goodbye to my babies I may not have had the opportunity to learn any other way. I know God is in control of every life. Each life created has a purpose, a beginning, and an end. Like miscarriage, our own life will come to an end; we shall come to an end, like David said in 2 Samuel 12:23b, “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.
I know from my many miscarriages that I will “miss the carriage.” Sadly, I will not stroll a baby carriage. I won’t be able to experience the opportunities, adventures, or challenges this child may have brought to my life. I know I won’t be able to kiss this little baby’s toes, help with homework, take him or her to college or plan his or her wedding. But I rest assured, knowing that Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. This little precious child was given to me but for a short time and is now in the presence of Jesus.
I may cry. I may get down about the loss of this gift, but I am comforted in knowing, “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5b). I am overjoyed in knowing that when I die, I will go to heaven and see my children worshipping the Lord, our Savior.
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Robyn McKelvy has devoted her life to the care and building up of others. In her home, through the church her husband pastors and through years of speaking at Weekend To Remember Get-Away’s around the country as well as countless women’s events. Robyn is the mom of seventeen children, seven in heaven and nine amazing souls here on earth who have received her full attention from the time they were born or grafted into her family. Robyn’s book SOS – Sick of Sex is in stores now as is her devotional book, Say IT Loud: Becoming your husband’s personal cheerleader. Robyn has been a mom for 24 years and married to Ray for over 25 years.
Sweet Robyn – I am so sorry for your loss, but grateful that you would offer comfort and hope to countless other women who no doubt need to hear your heart! Big Hug!
Thank you for this incredible blog.
I currently am a mom to four, two here on earth and two in heaven. There is nothing like a miscarriage. It's such a painful process, both mentally and physically but it's so rewarding too when you are able to help other moms through it.
Through my job, I help run an online miscarriage support group and being able to help those who have also suffered a loss has helped me get through my own loss.
Thank you for this. It touched my heart today.
Robyn, thanks so much for discussing this topic. After my missed m/c this last summer I learned what a taboo topic it can become. I'll be bookmarking this to share with friends. Thanks again!
Like many others, I too can relate Robyn. I'm a mommy to six blessings- three on earth and three with the Lord. This was truly a powerful article that really ministered to me. I echo your feelings exactly!!! And, I know what great strength from God and courage it took to write that! Thank you for sharing this article and with your permission, I'd love to share it with other's as well!
Hugs and Blessings,
Kennisha
Yes, Kennisha, please share!! It is time for moms of missed carriages to rise up and let the world know, we may have children with us, but we also have children who are rejoicing in the presence of God. And we can't wait to see them and rejoice with them, face to face.
Robyn, I am sorry about the baby. You are such an incredible Mom & woman of God. You have no idea the encouragement you are to women who have the honor of knowing you, or hearing you share your story. We lost a baby after Ella, & it was a very sad time. I too look forward to meeting my son or daughter in heaven. Stuart & I found out that we were pregnant with Annabelle the night we heard Ray talk at the Family Life M. Conf. at Opryland. He was actually the first to know about it. I remember asking him how do you get excited again after losing a child. He said to talk to you. When I finally got to talk to you about it briefly, I remember you expressing your faith in trusting God's character & His plan. Thank you for sharing this topic. So many women feel alone in their pain because good willing people either disregard your pregnancy which is hurtful, or say dumb stuff that you have to just ignore that it was insensitive & go to their heart's motivation. You are precious! We love your family mostly from afar, but think you are awesome. Love, Becka
Thank you for writing this, I experienced a miscarriage 3-1/2 years ago and I still get teary eyed over it (right now I am on my lunch break a work trying not to cry after reading this). I had so many people tell me "you can have more kids". One day I finally looked at the family member who kept saying this to me and I replied "that may be true but I am grieving over THIS child." Through my miscarriage, which was my first pregnancy, God really gave me heart for what a wonderful gift children are, like other people who have left comments, I cannot wait to me the child I never got to hold. I do have a most precious 20 month old at home and I am so thankful for her!
Once again thank you for writing out of the depths of your grief and sharing your wounded heart.
Hi Robyn, I read your story and found so much of my own feelings in your words. I started my own blog recently just so i could share my story and help others. We are a sisterhood- one we never asked to join. I too suffered multiple miscarriages- some early on, some almost 12 weeks along. Each one hurt differently, those with visible heartbeats were the hardest. I too think about my babies, when they were due, where they would be now, how many kids i would have. I was only able to carry one baby to term and she is my world now. She is a precious gift and i love her more than i realized i could ever love.
Thank you for sharing your story- the more we talk about this the more people will understand and the less taboo this subject will become.
Thank you sweet friend for writing from your heart. Our family is grieving the lost of two grandbabies last year thru m/c. It was very hard on our daughter as she felt others didn't understand her pain and made awkward remarks. Your post was really helpful to me and the hole in my heart as a grandma. You are a wonderful mom and we missed seeing you in Florida!! I will pray for you and your family and hope our paths cross this next year.
Thank you, Robyn, for ministering by sharing.
Robyn, thank u so much for sharing your heart! I too know the difficulties of this loss and revisit the hard place ever now and then when it sneaks up on me at random moments. Reading your blog helped me to realize that it's okay if I still miss this baby, think about this baby, it's my baby. And more than that, what brings me joy is knowing that my Noah is in the hands of God waiting to make my acquaintance! God bless you!!! Write on 🙂
Robyn, Thank you for sharing about your life and what you have gone through. I have been diagnosed with Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome which is linked to infertility. I have not been able to conceive yet (however it has only been a year) and I believe that if it is God's will it will happen 🙂 I am so sorry for the pain that you have gone through and it is so encouraging to me that God has brought you through.
I really wanted to ask you if you have adopted or started to adopt another child as you mentioned you were thinking about it in the beginning of your blog. God bless you and your family.