My husband and I got a little new year’s surprise last week.

We thought I was pregnant.

This was (ahem) not really anticipated.

Now, to those of you faithful to follow MomBlog — or to those of you who know me personally and have seen me wrangling my four kids five and under — you may be gasping or even laughing a little right now. That’s because in my current season of life, I look a little like I’m trying to herd cats. My cup, as I like to say, is overflowing. We love our children, and our home is full in every sense of the word.

Around Christmas, I’d been spending some time reading the remarkable account of Zechariah in Luke 1. More than one thing amazed me about the story. But in particular, I had a lesson to learn from Zechariah’s lack of faith when the angel told him his wife would bear John the Baptist. He couldn’t talk for what was likely nine months.

Contrast that with Mary’s response in the next chapter: “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to Your Word” (v. 38). She undoubtedly received some of the rewards of faith — like other people in the Bible who’d come to a crossroads: Fear, or faith? People like Abraham … David … Esther … Daniel … Paul … all of them experienced tremendous rewards and responses from God (on earth and eternally!). They believed God was bigger than what lay before them.

I contemplated with heaviness what God might have ordered for our family. I found myself at just such a crossroads — one at which I’d actually found myself at before with unexpected pregnancies and other circumstances. But what would I choose this time? Fear — or faith?

On the fear side, I had dumb things, like the wide-eyed looks and dumb jokes (Yes, we know how this happens. Ha, ha! It’s fun), and some less-dumb things: the resources to care well and in a godly way for another child so close together to, well, all the other close-together ones. The prospect of requiring a 15-passenger van (!).

On the faith side, I had four children, all of whom had been born at times that were nothing short of overwhelming. Even then, God had blessed us way more than we could have ever anticipated. The rewards considerably outweighed the work (which is saying a lot!), and grew by the day. Did God really have to prove that to me again?

If He wanted to put us in such a tight spot, He must have an incredible plan for this life, and for those who that life would touch — including my other kids. He had provided before. There was no reason He wouldn’t provide again for whatever He incurred. He wasn’t asking us to have the resources to raise a child for at least eighteen years right now. He’d give us our daily bread, His new mercies every morning like He’d been doing. If He can make a shepherd like David into a king, or transform Paul into one of the greatest missionaries of all time, He can certainly help us raise five kids, even ones as energetic as ours!

All this to say, five days later, when we found out I wasn’t pregnant, I’d actually gotten to a place of being on the fence — half wanting this baby that wasn’t. Clearly, even in the journey, God had a lot for me to learn. He also had some gratitude to recreate in me, particularly for how He’s created my family, crazy/wonderful as it is.

So glad He’s God … and I’m not.