Don’t Give Them Everything They Want

I grew up the eldest of four kids. We had enough, but there was not a lot of excess. My parents were very careful with their finances. Christmas was wonderful but gifts were carefully chosen, not overdone, and sometimes purchased with creativity.

I still remember one particularly moving Christmas. My younger brother had begged and longed for a bike—his first real, big two-wheeler. He couldn’t wait to see what Santa brought. Anticipation and excitement pulsated throughout our home the night before, and by dawn’s early light we kids were standing by the living room door waiting impatiently for permission to enter.

My brother’s face burst into joy when he saw his bright red two-wheeler. He was way too excited to notice that the tires were a bit worn, the paint obviously fresh, and small rust marks treated. It was his and it was perfect!

Until … later in the day his best friend Tom, who lived across the street, came over with his new bike. It was bigger, shinier, and still had new tags and stickers in place.

My little brother’s shoulders began to sag as he looked at his bike and compared it to Tom’s. Someone else had something bigger and better. And he was disappointed.

Mom and Dad were quick to point out the special features of both bikes and sent the boys off to ride not allowing the differences in the bikes to become an issue. Instead, they had us all rejoicing that both boys got bikes.

Over the years I’ve wondered how my parents really felt. They probably felt sad they could not do for their kids what our neighbors could. They may have wondered if my brother would feel as loved as his buddy. And I imagine they were a bit embarrassed when the neighbors saw what my brother got—obviously a second-hand gift.

Perhaps you as a parent or grandparent are feeling a bit sad as Christmas approaches because you cannot give  your children everything they want. If this is you, be glad!

And if you are able to do all they want, don’t do it!

We live in an entitled culture. And it’s dangerous. In order to keep our kids happy or to avoid disappointing them, we give in excess. This is bad for us and bad for our kids.

Why?

They are going to live in a world where they will not always be able to have whatever they want when they want it. If they don’t begin to learn this lesson while they are young, they will have a very miserable life as an adult.

Our kids have to learn to wait. That thing they wanted now might have to be a gift of the future. A wise parent teaches his children to wait while they are young. This prepares them for adulthood.

True happiness comes from giving, not getting. This is true in marriage. It is true in sibling relationships and in every other relationship we have.

So what do we do?

1. Don’t be afraid to disappoint your child. You’d be surprised how many “must-have toys” are misplaced or forgotten after a week.

2. Shop second-hand or on Craigslist.

3. Make a family policy not to buy anything advertised on TV. Kids will want everything they see on commercials. Tell them, “We don’t buy what we see on commercials.” (Okay, this might be a little severe, but do make some kind of family policy.)

4. Refuse to fall into the guilt trap or the comparison trap: I feel guilty because I can’t get… or I can’t do for mine what “they” can do for theirs.

5. Remain upbeat no matter what your child’s reaction is. Help them to be thankful. Remind them of all the good things they received.

6. Before Christmas have them clean out their toys and give some away to those in need.

7. Remind your kids that they are rich, not poor. The majority of us have a roof over our heads, a real floor to walk on, and food to eat. Show them pictures of kids in the third world or drive through a poor neighborhood in your town. Talk about what you see and how you might help. This will give them perspective and a heart to serve others.

8. Focus on the real meaning of Christmas. Initiate conversation at the table that focuses on the events surrounding the birth of Christ, rather than on who wants what.

As I reflect on my brother’s second-hand bike, what has stayed with me over the years was that Mom and Dad were not ruled by “the lack.” Instead, they chose to be upbeat and grateful. They knew that someone else would always have bigger and better and more. But what we had was the most precious—an understanding of the gift of Jesus and the love for one another.

Editor’s note: Check out Susan’s site every Wednesday for a blog post and sign up to receive “One word,” a twice-a-week e-mail on one character trait of God.  FB: @susanalexanderyates T: @susanayates P: @susan2187

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9 thoughts on “Don’t Give Them Everything They Want

  1. This was very helpful. We all need to be woken up in this holiday season to what’s really important and what message we are giving our kids. Thank you for the guilt-free reminder. I love #1 : Don’t be afraid to disappoint your children. Like you said, learning to wait is a crucial skill of survival! God bless you, Susan, for your wisdom in parenting! 🙂

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    • Thank you for responding Monique! It hurts to disappoint our kids but keeping the long range view in mind helps. Have a great Christmas.
      Love, Susan

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing, Susan! It feels so counter-cultural to not give our kids EVERYTHING they want, but I think you are totally right that it is best for them in the long run.

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  3. Thank you so much for this wonderful article and for the great advice. What makes it even better is that you’ve given an example from your own life. I often find myself being nervous about disappointing my girls when I buy a second-hand toy or gadget. So thanks for the advice, really helpful. Blessings from Denmark! 🙂

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