I recall standing up before a class of 5th and 6th graders teaching them grammar and thinking, How do I do this? How do I pretend that this is just a normal day? That I don’t just want to crawl into a corner and weep? Everything is going on around me as if nothing is happening … as if my world is not crashing, exploding, imploding …
I remember thinking those words when my marriage began its shattering. Nobody knew. And life continued.
Its surreal, trying to be normal when nothing is. It’s weird to walk through all these emotions. I remember that walk when my husband left—trying to make life normal and fun with my children. I’d laugh with them during the day and cry when I was alone at night.
It was a terrible walk for a season. I walked there again while my father was dying. And occasionally I find myself there on a difficult single parent day. But I haven’t walked there consistently in a while.
Anyone who has suffered a loss or tragedy or challenge of any kind can understand—life goes on. We still need to set alarms, pack lunches, get children to school, do school with other children, go to work, make dinner, drive to soccer games, smile at people, listen to others share their stories, and just plain live life.
I’m finding it difficult to figure out how to be normal anymore. I mean, not that I’ve ever been completely normal, but how do I find normal when things keep getting wonky on me?
Each year, my friend and I pray for a year without trauma or drama—so far we’re 0-6. Not a great record. But I will say that God continues to work in and around me despite the decidedly difficult times. He continues to show me He’s faithful before, during, and after the troubling times. Even when life shatters, God’s love keeps me together. Somehow or another, even when I can’t necessarily see it or really understand it, He makes it all bearable. At the end of the day, I realize I’ve survived. And so have all my children.
And it isn’t just survival. I’ve learned so much about myself and about Him through each heartbreak and sorrow.
God loves me and my children so very much. You and yours too.
God continues to revel that love to me. There is no limit to His love. The amount doesn’t diminish on a bad day or even increase on a good day. He loves us perfectly and completely because He is love. I read a quote years ago by A.W. Tozer from his book Knowledge of the Holy: “Love, for instance, is not something God has and which may grow or diminish or cease to be. His love is the way God is, and when He loves He is simply being Himself.”
There is hope for me in that … hope that even when everything seems completely out of sorts and daily life must continue on, I can trust that God has it because He loves me. I can trust that I am secure in His unfailing love.
I’m so thankful God loves me regardless of me, my circumstances, my fears, my challenges, my difficulties, my emotions or my failures. God loves me because He made me to love.