Intentional Intimacy

My friend and I were trying to figure our men out. We had each been married five years and each had two young children. We missed the spontaneous intimacy of our pre-children days early in our marriages. “He actually gets cranky if he hasn’t had sex in several days. It’s like he needs to have sex. And I’m so tired, sex just becomes something on my to-do list to cross off,” my friend observed. “And after breast-feeding and having two little kids grabbing at me and needing me all day, I’m tired of being touched,” I chimed in. My body didn’t belong to me anymore but to everyone else in my family needing something from me. Utilitarian, not sexual. We agreed to trade babysitting for a date night with our men to try and recapture some romance. We swapped ideas on romancing our men and trying to rekindle that passion that had been smothered by busy lives with young children. We realized that intimacy was going to take effort and sometimes had to be planned. Eight years later, my life is still just as busy, though my children are older. But my husband and I enjoy our time alone more than we did as newlyweds!

How do you put the sizzle back into sex?

  • Plan time together. We missed the spontaneity, but planning a night of intimacy gave us something to look forward to … and gave me time to shift mentally from “mommy” to “lover.”
  • Trade date nights with another couple to keep down babysitting expenses and reconnect with your spouse.
  • Put away the t-shirt and sweats and pull out that lingerie pushed to the back of your drawer. Yes, it may not fit your post-baby body the same, but your husband will love the way it hugs your new curves! And one of my husband’s favorite birthday gifts was the new lingerie I bought.
  • Initiate intimacy instead of waiting for your husband to. Put the kids to bed earlier. Take a bubble bath, put on makeup, light some candles, pull out the lingerie, and …
  • Be creative! Change location, change positions, or change your routine. Invest in scented massage oil. One of my friends just shared that coconut oil (found by the cooking oils in the grocery store) is a safe and inexpensive massage oil and lubricant. I’m not going into more detail because my grandma reads this.
  • Reclaim your bedroom. Spend the afternoon removing baby paraphernalia, removing exercise equipment (or at least remove the clothing hanging off of it), and de-cluttering. We don’t even allow a television in our bedroom. Our bedroom is our retreat from the rest of the world.

I love the book Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. The book shares more ideas that I’m too shy to share (Grandma is breathing a sigh of relief!) and addresses some tough issues, such as getting over the guilt of past sexual sin, abortion, and pornography.  The authors also cover hot topics about what the Bible says about sex, what’s okay in bed, and body image. Sexual intimacy is a vital component in a healthy marriage. For men, it is a stress reliever and validates their identity as the man in your life. For us moms, sex reminds us of our feminine allure and gives us a break from mommyhood. Time to spice things up and enjoy the gift of intimacy!

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6 thoughts on “Intentional Intimacy

  1. Maybe we’re backwards, because I believe I’m more interested in sex than my partner, although he’s told me time and time again that he wants more than anything for me to initiate it myself, but somehow I still can’t.

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    • It is hard to initiate! But it does make our men feel more desired and worth the effort. Maybe you could find a subtle way that’s not uncomfortable, such as sending him a text message or leaving him a note that hints at a pleasurable evening ahead. Some couples have a ‘code’ phrase, such as ‘want to go sailing tonight?’ Corny, but may help the discomfort!

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      • I can relate to the first comment that I am more interested in sex than my husband. And I do initiate it usually at least once a week but honestly it becomes exhausting and doesn’t make me feel very desired when I am the one pursuing him for intimacy.

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  2. I hope my wife reads this! Thanks for stepping out of your comfort zone and writing this.

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  3. Yes your Grandma does read it and I am glad you know what it took us years to discover. Yes Christy we are not too old to still enjoy a good roll in the hay! Love you More!

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  4. I did type my comment. Do I need to embarrass Christy again? I said I am glad you already know what it took us years to find out. And yes, Christy we are not too old to enjoy a good roll in the hay quite often. That is what makes marriages last 62 years. Love you both MORE!

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