It’s one of the most memorable days of my life. I sat looking out of the passenger window with a blank stare on my face. I felt like I was living inside of a silent movie scene, except it wasn’t quiet. Somewhere in the distance I could faintly hear my husband’s voice, my two-year-old and five year old girls’ giggles, and the hum of my small SUV engine. But it was all being drowned out by the news I had just received…
At the time, I was 28, a wife of six years, and a mom of two girls. And much to my delight, I was finally beginning to fit back comfortably into my jeans. My days were a mix of play dates, bibs, and vacuums. I was pretty settled into my life as a mommy of two girls, and I honestly felt like I had it all under control. Life was good.
We had just returned from a family trip and our first stop was to the doctor’s office. I ran in to grab some test results while my family waited in the car. Little did I know that this quick trip to the doctor was going to unequivocally flip my world upside down!
I don’t quite remember my journey from the office back to the parking lot but I am guessing it happened very slowly. My husband hopped out of the car with a puzzled look mirroring what he saw on my face.
I couldn’t speak.
As I inched closer, I guess he could hear my mind spinning because he grabbed me and said, “Oh my goodness, it’s twins!”
I was pregnant with our 3rd and 4th child. I had two tiny lives inside of me. Processing this was impossible in this moment. I was simply silent.
On the other hand, my husband enthusiastically began calling our family to share the good news. Honestly, I was puzzled by his excitement and I thought he was crazy! This “good news” began with a lot of concern, for me.
Once I was able to get past the initial silent stage, I began to panic internally. I was full of fear, anxiety and angst. Immediately, my mind began racing with thoughts like….
We need a new car and a bigger house.
We can’t afford 2 more children.
How am I going to carry twins?”
I felt like God had made a mistake and I honestly had no confidence or ability to imagine carrying, delivering, nurturing, and raising two more children, in addition to what I felt like was an already comfortably, full quiver.
Fast forward four years. With a bit of hindsight I realize, I was right. I can’t do this; at least not alone.
Moment by moment and day-by-day, I’ve learned to put my “can’t” into the hand of God.
I have come to the experiential realization that I can cast all of my cares onto Jesus.
I find comfort in trusting that with God all things are possible.
And I have found peace in knowing that He who began a good work in me (very literally) will be faithful to complete it!
I sympathize with my old self. I know that life is a process, but if I could go back in time this is what I would tell myself on the ride home from the doctors that day.
Cheer up. You have been chosen!
Yes, you are afraid and some days this will feel like a mistake. Don’t worry, it’s not. God has hand picked you to bring life to four of his daughters, to show them His love and to grow them in His nature.
There will be days when you believe they will need more than you have. On those days, lean in even closer to your Heavenly Father and give them Him.
There will be days when you will need to love more than you thought you were capable. On those days, lean in even closer and give them Him.
Choose now to enjoy the noise. Brace yourself for the uncontrollable laughter and commit now to grow in compassion because you will need it to handle the tears.
Mothering is a journey that will bring you more joy and happiness than you ever thought possible. Decide now to be fully present; intentional, and deeply committed to what God has called you to.
Do you feel unprepared for a task that God has placed in your hands? Do you need to write yourself a note of encouragement?