You would think after 26 years as a step mother there wouldn’t be anything new to learn.
It all began when we decided to update our last will and testament. Our new attorney did a magnificent job of helping us navigate the major decisions. Steve has 2 grown sons, 2 daughters-in-law and 2 grandchildren. I have 3 nieces and one nephew, my brother’s family, who I view as my own children.
Steve and I had already discussed and decided that when one of us dies, the other will receive the entire estate. We also agreed that we would leave 10%, a tithe, to a Christian organization or church. No debate or concern there.
The problem began when the lawyer needed to know what we wanted to do if we died simultaneously, and Steve’s entire family was also no longer living. For example, if we were all on a plane or a cruise and a tragedy occurred killing everyone.
My assumption was that my family should inherit everything. Steve had other thoughts about where the money should go.
That’s when the “step family monster” displayed its razor-sharp fangs—once again. Even after 26 years this menacing device of division still shows up periodically when I least expect it. He is always hungry for a kill.
My wounded heart racing, I sat there silently and whispered to myself, “Steve, You really don’t love my family—do you? You pretend to care, but when the truth comes out it’s all an act.”
An emotional wall came up, and mentally I began to retreat. Fortunately, this wise lawyer observed my body language. He said, “I think you better discuss this.”
My natural instinct was to lash out and say all the hurtful things I was thinking and feeling. But I have discovered that response creates more chaos—not solutions. I remained calm, and clearly explained why I was deeply offended at his response. My husband is a kind man who loves me very much. And I could tell he felt badly about what had just occurred.
In my early step mother years I would have brewed about this situation for days, licking my wound. And it would have caused me to withdraw my love from Steve emotionally and physically. But that serves only to steal, kill, and destroy our marriage. And I have finally gotten to the place where I want a healthy, enjoyable relationship more than I want to be right.
In my heart I know that Steve loves my kids. Does he love them as much as he loves his own? No. In wisdom I lowered my expectations and realized that unconditional parental love, the natural bond, is radically different than any other kind.
Steve chooses to love my kids because they are an extension of me, not because he has a natural bond with them like I do. And it’s the same for me with his family.
Chosen love, is still love. It can be even more precious because it’s often harder. Sometimes it takes a lot of work!!
After a lengthy, candid discussion Steve and I resolved our inheritance issue with a compromise. And it reminded us that being in a step family means we will periodically face challenges that first time marriages do not encounter.
Much to our surprise the disputes do not go away when the kids turn 18, or get married, or go off to college. It’s merely that new trials arise with each season of life.
The key to overcoming these issues is to be aware that for the step family it’s normal. Then listen to your partner’s perspective with an open heart and mind, and realize that sometimes concession is necessary.
At the end of this situation I sat on my back porch, took a deep, peaceful breath and sipped a cup of coffee. I smiled at the Heavens and said to God, “When I die I’m going to be too busy dancing with the angels, and looking into your radiant face, to think about money. Besides, it all belongs to you anyway, Lord. It’s just on loan to me for a season. When I’m gone, I trust You to do what is best. “
Ron Deal is a guest on FamilyLife Today this week discussing Step Families and and Step Parenting. You can listen online –
The Step-Parent’s Role
with: Ron L. Deal from the series: Your Stepfamily Standing Strong
We vowed to love our spouse forever, but the marriage ended in divorce. Marriage and family therapist Ron Deal talks about the covenant of marriage and how that applies to remarried men and women.